Updates

There has been a lot going on recently. I called Jose and I basically told him that he either wants all of me or none of me. I'm not just his booty call and I deserve better than that. I told him that I miss him so much and it just kills me to sit there and have this hope that we'll get back together, when deep inside I know it will never happen. I told him that I gave up so much for him, a lot of my college memories and that I always trusted him. I knew he never trusted me, and I knew that he always thought that me and Marshall had something going on. He said that he would have trusted me more if I had told him about the past kind of "relationship" Marshall and I had. Jose said that he knew about it but I never told him and that made him not trust me. I told him that the reason why I never explained is because I felt that if I did, he would see me differently and trust me LESS. I just told him the whole story of me and Marshall, even how we dated after Jose and I broke up. I also told him that I don't have feelings for him now, even though Marshall loves me and wants to marry me someday. Jose said that he feels bad that because of what he did, I can't let myself try to be with Marshall. I told him you know, you made it so I don't trust people, and you did make it hard for me to put myself out there for guys, but it's not your fault that I don't have the feelings for him that he has for me.....I guess there are some things that both of us, both me and Jose, should have said, but I honestly don't think that it would have worked even if we would have said them.

I started to hang out with this guy Evan. A friend of a friend. He texted me and stuff and I thought all he wanted was sex. Which it turned out to be it was. He was one persistent mother fucker! (lol) We hung out at this party and a few times during the week. Then one night he invited me over to hang out after work, and he had this other girl there. I thought she was one of my friend Becca's friends but then she sat beside him and put her legs all over his lap. I got mad because, why would he even invite me over, if he had company there? Why rub that in my face? Another thing that he did pissed me off severly. I have never been this mean and bitched someone out like this before. But to be honest, he deserved it. We were talking one night and he says to me "You broke my number 1 rule." and I said "And what's that?" He then preceded to tell me that his rule was that he would never mess around with or hang out with any girls who had any history with black or mexican guys. Which, just so happens that I've never dated a white guy. I asked him if that sort of thing really bothered him that much and he said yes. I mean, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but what happened next pissed me off. We were all (me, Evan, some other people) sitting outside on the porch, just hanging out. He brought up the race thing again. He pretty much told me that I was dumb for dating those "niggers" and "spiks". I got offended of course. Then he said to me "If you just agree with me that it was a dumb decision and promise to never do it again, we'll be ok." That's when I got extremely mad. I said, "I'm never ever going to agree with you. I'm not saying that I should have dated the guys that I have dated, but that has nothing to do with their skin color." I was pissed because not only do I have a huge issue with those discriminatory names but by saying what he said he disrespected me, and that "spik" happened to be the love of my life. The next night I didn't expect to see him so I ignored his text messages. Just so happens that I saw him that night. I got a little bit drunk and just let him have it. I bitched him out for rubbing that other girl in my face, because it was rude. Then someone texted me and he goes "Who's that, your 'fucking nigger' boyfriend?" Then I went off. This is what I said: "You know what? No, it's not my 'nigger' boyfriend you ignorant stupid asshole." He said: "Oh, I'm ignorant? No I'm actually very intelligent, I'm a white, republican male." I said: "EXACTLY! YOU'RE IGNORANT AND STUPID" He then comes up to me and has the audacity to say "You're right baby, I'm ignorant and stupid" then tries to kiss me! I pushed him away, told him not to kiss me, and told him to go fuck himself, and went back inside. I don't tolerate that bullshit. I don't care if that's his opinion, that's disrespect to me, calling me and the people I've cared about stupid. I hope he has fun over in Afghanistan. It's horrible to say but I hope that changes him for the better.

Blabbering

Yesterday was extremely uneventful. About the only fun thing that happened was that me and Jami had a "roommate night" and watched a movie called "He's Just Not That Into You". It showed the things that women do, crazy bitch things, and it shows those typical guys that never call. Some of the stuff that the girl did, that made her look obsessive and crazy, made me realize that I do some of those things. Not to the extent that the crazy girl did them, but I have done some of them. Like check my phone a little too often when I'm waiting for a text and getting frustrated when there isn't one. Then going over and over the reasons in my head as to why I don't have that text. You know what? Maybe if he wanted to talk to me, he would text me. That is now my philosophy. If Jose wants to talk to me, if he REALLY does miss me, if he REALLY does still like me, if he REALLY would get back together with me, then he'll text me, or make a little bit of an effort.

After the movie, I got this sudden urge to go through me and Jose's old pictures and listen to "our song". It wasn't really "our song", but it was his ringtone and it reminded me of him always. I never look at those or listen to that but for some reason I just wanted to. BIG MISTAKE. Of course I got upset and realized how much I miss him. Scratch that, I didn't just now realize it, I've known that I miss him, but this, this looking at the old things, made it that much more unbearable. The tears just flowed, I mean poured out of my eyes. Then I wanted to call him. I was upset and I wanted to call him and not be hysterical crying on the phone but just tell him, "you know what? I miss you, a whole hell of a lot." And tell him about looking back at the pictures and tell him about how I wish I hadn't thrown out his hoodie, and the shirts he gave me, and all the pictures. But a few minutes later, after I calmed myself down a bit, I realized, I don't have to tell him right this second. If he really does want to hang out (like he's said he wants to) then there will be plenty of chances for me to tell him these things if I feel the need to later. I don't need to call him like a psycho at 1:30 in the morning and be hysterical. Cut the drama. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow. I'm going to see if he texts me about it. He's asleep by now obviously b/c it's almost 2AM. But when he wakes up, he'll see a text from me, which means that I'll be fresh on his mind, which means that if he really wants to see me, he'll do something about it.

God, I hope he does something about it. I miss him so, so much.