Forgiveness

Forgiving someone is almost like giving them another chance. It's kind of a difficult step to forgive someone. What I have come to realize that forgiving someone else is not half as difficult as forgiving myself. I forgive Jose for what he did....not meaning it doesn't still hurt but I understand and forgive. The thing that I'm not over is me. I feel stupid for trusting him and having such high expectations of the relationship and I can't seem to forgive myself for making that mistake. I need to just be like, it's just a lesson learned but I continue to dwell on it. Not only the wrong that he did but I keep finding little things that I did wrong, or not necessarily wrong but stupid things. I gave up so much for him, which was dumb because I missed out on so much. I missed out on college memories and so many friends because I gave all my time to him. I was stupid to think that he wouldn't find someone to replace me...when I was the one to replace his ex girlfriend. It's almost as if my mind won't let me forget these mistakes that I've made when, what's done is done, it's over with now. It's like my mind just rubs it in that I fucked up. I can't change a bit of it so why can't I just give myself a break and forgive myself for making those mistakes and get over it? How can I give someone who hurt me so much, so many chances...but not give myself one?

Ex's

I realized something yesterday. I don't think that anyone ever fully gets over an ex. I don't mean just any ex and I don't mean "get over" such as they can never move on. I definitely am ready for another relationship. I mean the people that you were with and truly loved, you never get over them, such as if you ran into them on the street one day or they randomly called you...you would have some sort of reaction. Such as if they were assholes, you're going to have hard feelings. Even if you're not still mad you're going to have some sort of thoughts, or feelings about seeing them or talking to them. I don't care what anyone says but some things your going to see or hear and you're going to think of that person. You never forget unfortunately. Some of my ex's, I was never in love with so if I saw them I would be like oh hey, what's up? But I know for a fact that if I see or talk to Jose at some point there's going to be a reaction. Not necessarily that I'm going to break down and cry...but I'll have some thoughts and feelings.

Also, I've been wondering, if you meet someone older than you that asks you out on a date, how old is too old? I don't believe the "age doesn't matter" crap. Ok if you're like 3 maybe 4 years apart, I don't think it does matter but there is a point where it starts to matter. The reason I bring this up is because I met this guy and I thought he was really attractive but then I found out he's 27....8 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. That's quite an age difference, don't you think?

Updates

There has been a lot going on recently. I called Jose and I basically told him that he either wants all of me or none of me. I'm not just his booty call and I deserve better than that. I told him that I miss him so much and it just kills me to sit there and have this hope that we'll get back together, when deep inside I know it will never happen. I told him that I gave up so much for him, a lot of my college memories and that I always trusted him. I knew he never trusted me, and I knew that he always thought that me and Marshall had something going on. He said that he would have trusted me more if I had told him about the past kind of "relationship" Marshall and I had. Jose said that he knew about it but I never told him and that made him not trust me. I told him that the reason why I never explained is because I felt that if I did, he would see me differently and trust me LESS. I just told him the whole story of me and Marshall, even how we dated after Jose and I broke up. I also told him that I don't have feelings for him now, even though Marshall loves me and wants to marry me someday. Jose said that he feels bad that because of what he did, I can't let myself try to be with Marshall. I told him you know, you made it so I don't trust people, and you did make it hard for me to put myself out there for guys, but it's not your fault that I don't have the feelings for him that he has for me.....I guess there are some things that both of us, both me and Jose, should have said, but I honestly don't think that it would have worked even if we would have said them.

I started to hang out with this guy Evan. A friend of a friend. He texted me and stuff and I thought all he wanted was sex. Which it turned out to be it was. He was one persistent mother fucker! (lol) We hung out at this party and a few times during the week. Then one night he invited me over to hang out after work, and he had this other girl there. I thought she was one of my friend Becca's friends but then she sat beside him and put her legs all over his lap. I got mad because, why would he even invite me over, if he had company there? Why rub that in my face? Another thing that he did pissed me off severly. I have never been this mean and bitched someone out like this before. But to be honest, he deserved it. We were talking one night and he says to me "You broke my number 1 rule." and I said "And what's that?" He then preceded to tell me that his rule was that he would never mess around with or hang out with any girls who had any history with black or mexican guys. Which, just so happens that I've never dated a white guy. I asked him if that sort of thing really bothered him that much and he said yes. I mean, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but what happened next pissed me off. We were all (me, Evan, some other people) sitting outside on the porch, just hanging out. He brought up the race thing again. He pretty much told me that I was dumb for dating those "niggers" and "spiks". I got offended of course. Then he said to me "If you just agree with me that it was a dumb decision and promise to never do it again, we'll be ok." That's when I got extremely mad. I said, "I'm never ever going to agree with you. I'm not saying that I should have dated the guys that I have dated, but that has nothing to do with their skin color." I was pissed because not only do I have a huge issue with those discriminatory names but by saying what he said he disrespected me, and that "spik" happened to be the love of my life. The next night I didn't expect to see him so I ignored his text messages. Just so happens that I saw him that night. I got a little bit drunk and just let him have it. I bitched him out for rubbing that other girl in my face, because it was rude. Then someone texted me and he goes "Who's that, your 'fucking nigger' boyfriend?" Then I went off. This is what I said: "You know what? No, it's not my 'nigger' boyfriend you ignorant stupid asshole." He said: "Oh, I'm ignorant? No I'm actually very intelligent, I'm a white, republican male." I said: "EXACTLY! YOU'RE IGNORANT AND STUPID" He then comes up to me and has the audacity to say "You're right baby, I'm ignorant and stupid" then tries to kiss me! I pushed him away, told him not to kiss me, and told him to go fuck himself, and went back inside. I don't tolerate that bullshit. I don't care if that's his opinion, that's disrespect to me, calling me and the people I've cared about stupid. I hope he has fun over in Afghanistan. It's horrible to say but I hope that changes him for the better.

Blabbering

Yesterday was extremely uneventful. About the only fun thing that happened was that me and Jami had a "roommate night" and watched a movie called "He's Just Not That Into You". It showed the things that women do, crazy bitch things, and it shows those typical guys that never call. Some of the stuff that the girl did, that made her look obsessive and crazy, made me realize that I do some of those things. Not to the extent that the crazy girl did them, but I have done some of them. Like check my phone a little too often when I'm waiting for a text and getting frustrated when there isn't one. Then going over and over the reasons in my head as to why I don't have that text. You know what? Maybe if he wanted to talk to me, he would text me. That is now my philosophy. If Jose wants to talk to me, if he REALLY does miss me, if he REALLY does still like me, if he REALLY would get back together with me, then he'll text me, or make a little bit of an effort.

After the movie, I got this sudden urge to go through me and Jose's old pictures and listen to "our song". It wasn't really "our song", but it was his ringtone and it reminded me of him always. I never look at those or listen to that but for some reason I just wanted to. BIG MISTAKE. Of course I got upset and realized how much I miss him. Scratch that, I didn't just now realize it, I've known that I miss him, but this, this looking at the old things, made it that much more unbearable. The tears just flowed, I mean poured out of my eyes. Then I wanted to call him. I was upset and I wanted to call him and not be hysterical crying on the phone but just tell him, "you know what? I miss you, a whole hell of a lot." And tell him about looking back at the pictures and tell him about how I wish I hadn't thrown out his hoodie, and the shirts he gave me, and all the pictures. But a few minutes later, after I calmed myself down a bit, I realized, I don't have to tell him right this second. If he really does want to hang out (like he's said he wants to) then there will be plenty of chances for me to tell him these things if I feel the need to later. I don't need to call him like a psycho at 1:30 in the morning and be hysterical. Cut the drama. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow. I'm going to see if he texts me about it. He's asleep by now obviously b/c it's almost 2AM. But when he wakes up, he'll see a text from me, which means that I'll be fresh on his mind, which means that if he really wants to see me, he'll do something about it.

God, I hope he does something about it. I miss him so, so much.

Summer, Some Good Some Bad

This past week or so has been a little difficult for me, but also, a lot of fun. This past weekend, me and some of my family went to the beach for 3 days. I love the beach in general but it was really great to be able to spend that much needed time with my family. They get on my nerves sometimes, but I don't know what I would do without them. They are always there when I need them. If I feel lonely, I just go to see them and I feel so much better. I have been pushing myself away from them for so long that I forgot how much that I really do miss them. On Monday, unfortunately, we had to leave the beach. It sucked that we had to leave but I'm sure we'll go back again.

It has been kind of difficult just because I've been really depressed lately. I don't know exactly why. And I don't think I can totally blame it on the break up. I've just felt extremely lonely. I'm at the apartment by myself half the time and I don't think that's a good thing. I need to find more stuff to occupy myself.

When I got back from the beach, I called Marshall and immediately started crying. I told him that I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I'm not ready to be with him, and not ready to give my heart away. I'm sorry for the fact that I thought I was and lead him on in that way. I'm sorry that I'm not over Jose yet. Marshall isn't mad though, he is very understanding about the whole thing, but I know how sad he really is. He tries to pretend like he isn't and just says that he's here for me. But I know that he wants to be here for me, but it is so hard for him to do that because he's so sad. I like the fact that I can talk to him, but at the same time, I don't like to talk about me and Jose and what's going on with us. Not with Marshall. I know that it makes him sad. But he asks me about it and so I tell him, not ALL THE DETAILS, but the basic stuff. He'll say things like "You're gonna find a great guy one day" but he says it in a way that makes me think that he wishes he was that great guy for me. He says it so sad. And even though he says that he understands and he wants to be there for me and he doesn't openly make me feel bad about it; I feel bad about it, just because I can tell how sad he really is.

But the story with me and Jose is: I still love him, I still care about him. I know for a fact that he still cares about me and would go back out with me. I thought that I would go back out with him too. Now I'm cautious of that. I am not sure that it would work. Not only is there a big chance that he would hurt me again like he did, there are just certain things that happened in our relationship, that he did, that he's not going to change (I know they won't change b/c that's how he is), that are going to keep the relationship from working. Let me give you some examples. When we dated, we would talk at night and arrange to hang out the next day. So, obviously, I didn't make other plans because I thought I would be hanging out with him. The next day comes and he doesn't answer my phone calls, or when he does he says I'll call you later, and doesn't give me a time that we're going to hang out. So basically, I'm sitting on my ass all day, passing up hanging out with friends, waiting for him. I would get angry about that and tell him that. But I know that's not going to change, b/c it didn't change when we were dating and I told him I didn't like it. Another thing that he did was whenever we did hang out, he had his phone attached at his hip, any text message he got, he would reply right away. When he wasn't around, and I would text him, he wouldn't reply, for the longest time. I got angry about that because, when you're with me or anywhere else, no matter who texts you you reply right away, but then you take fucking forever to text me, it made me mad. One other thing that would make it so it wouldn't work is the fact that he doesn't talk about things. I KNOW that lots of guys don't talk about things. I'm saying that, if he got mad at me, if we got into an argument, I could tell that he had something to say, but he did not say it because he thought that if he just stopped talking about it, problems would just go away. That's not how things work, if he is upset with me, he needs to tell me and he won't do that, that's just not how he is. I mean, I guess I am kind of jumping to conclusions saying that these things won't change. If I mentioned them to him, maybe they would. But I doubt it. He would probably just nod his head, agree with me, and think, "She'll forget about it later".

So this leaves me with a dilemma. If I do want to be with him and want to see if he's going to change those things, I need to bring it up to him. He can't read my mind, if I want us to be back together, something needs to be said. I have one way of doing that: He still has a girlfriend, the girl that he started going out with after me. Even though he still has that girlfriend, every time me and him hang out, we make out/mess around/flirt things of that nature. I like the physical stuff, and if I don't want to get back together with him, I think I will just continue with the physical stuff. Here is my plan for if I decide that it's worth it, if I want to get back together with him. The next time that he tries to kiss me or do anything, I would basically tell him no, because you have a girlfriend it's not right and also tell him that I still have feelings for him. Kind of portray the fact that if he wants me, he wants all of me, he wants to be with me. Because that way, it will show him that I do want to be with him again AND it will show me if he's willing to do something about it, if HE'S serious. As of right now, he could be thinking, well I can do the physical stuff with her and still have my girlfriend too. But there's also the fact that if I say "No you have a girlfriend", he'll just keep going out with his girlfriend and stop messing around with me. Now I just have to decide what I want.

Do I JUST want the physical stuff and want to continue whats happening as of now?

Do I really want to get back with him?

Do I take a risk, the risk of giving up all the physicalness, to tell him I want to be with him?

(Wow, I sound like a slut b/c I like the physical stuff. I'm not a slut, people. Girls are allowed to be just as horny as guys are.)

This is probably going to be the most emo blog ever.

So this is about to be really emo and dramatic but it's how I feel right now. I feel really alone. Like not physically, but emotionally. And even though I have people that I can talk to, I feel like I'm really alone with my thoughts and feelings if that makes any sense. I think I need some help, like need to go to a therapist just to have someone to talk to. I mean I have friends and things but I need help from someone who can help me figure out how and why I'm feeling this way. Ok done with the emo shit.

Yesterday, I went to hang out with Nathan and Juan* (who am I kidding, does it really make a difference if I disguise the names? I'm just gonna use real names from now on) ok, Nathan and Jose. (Juan*=Jose in all previous blogs). The house that we always hang out at is Laurens house. Me and Lauren aren't really friends anymore but we were cool a few months back. Now recently she's been a total bitch, slamming doors, stomping her feet. But I have no idea why she's mad at me. Yesterday she straight up kicked me out of her house. Like I don't want you here anymore. I asked why she was mad and she just said you wouldn't understand. Here's what I say to that BULLSHIT! This is stupid high school drama. She's fucking bipolar or something. She can go fuck herself b/c Nathan, Jose, AND David(her boyfriend) are still gonna come hang out with me this summer and leave her by herself.

Anyways, before that shit happened, me and Nathan picked up Jose and we hung out, Nathan ran to his car and in the car me and Jose kissed. I was especially mad that Lauren did that shit b/c then I couldn't hang out with Jose anymore. He came back over before he went home though because he had left his book bag in my car. He gave me a hug and a kiss before he left and held onto my hand as he walked away. He told me he wanted to hang out with me tomorrow(which is today) so we'll see how it goes.

Also yesterday, in the morning, Marshall (Brendan*=Marshall in all previous blogs) came over. I had told him that I think that I need a little break from whatever is going on with us because I'm not over Jose and I'm not ready to be emotionally involved with him in any way. I don't have the exact same feelings about Marshall as I used to. I still care about him, and I love the fact that he's always been there for me and always will. I just told him that I can't do this right now. And I'm really sad that he's sad. I know he really loves me and can't stand the fact that I'm still in love with someone else. He wants me to be happy, and I know that but I hate the fact that I can't love him back yet, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to. I am so grateful though to have him as my friend and know how understanding and awesome he is.

Stuff Sucks Sometimes

-->Recently I don't know how I've been feeling about Brendan*, I think my feelings for him have changed. I can't handle things like that with him right now. I told him that, I told him that I'm not emotionally ok and that it's not fair to him for me to pretend like I am ok. I just don't think I want to be with him. I don't feel for him in that way, I care about him yes, but not in that way anymore, I can't explain why but I don't think that I do. I told him that I thought that I was fine, and that this is what I wanted but I realized that it isn't. I told him that I'm not over Juan* which I'm not and Juan* isn't over me either. Brendan* told me he just wants me to be happy but I know that he feels like the rebound. I hate that he feels that way because that's not what I meant by it. I don't want him to be sad.

-->Also, stuff has been going on with Juan* lately. I've realized that what he did, was his way of trying to cause me as little pain as possible, it didn't work, but he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me. It was only making this worse on me being angry at him. I woke up one morning and realized that I forgive him. And I told him that, I told him that I know he wasn't trying to hurt me and that I'm not mad anymore, and that I don't know if he still cares about me but I know that he did at the time. He told me that he still cares that he just needed time for things because we were always fighting and mad at each other. Then one of our mutual friends Nathan asked me randomly if I would ever think about getting back together with Juan*. I thought I would never even consider it, but now I'm thinking I would. Nathan said that he asked Juan* the same thing and Juan* said he would go back out with me too. I mean, it's probably not the best idea b/c I could get hurt just as much, but it could also work out good. I know that I would regret it if I never took another chance on it. And he makes me happy so I feel like it's worth it to give it a try if he asks me. The only thing is that I'm going to get a lot of shit from other people about it, about how they think I'm being stupid and how he's just going to hurt me again. I don't want to hear any of it. I just want them to hug me if stuff goes bad again. I don't know why I'm even worrying about it yet, the situation hasn't even come up. I worry about everything. I miss being happy just because I knew that he was mine. I miss the way he would pick on me and tickle me even though I told him to stop. I miss the way he would push his hair back out of his face. I miss how he laughed. I miss how he would just look at me and I could tell how much he loved me. I miss being happy, I'm so sick of not being happy.