Stuff Sucks Sometimes

-->Recently I don't know how I've been feeling about Brendan*, I think my feelings for him have changed. I can't handle things like that with him right now. I told him that, I told him that I'm not emotionally ok and that it's not fair to him for me to pretend like I am ok. I just don't think I want to be with him. I don't feel for him in that way, I care about him yes, but not in that way anymore, I can't explain why but I don't think that I do. I told him that I thought that I was fine, and that this is what I wanted but I realized that it isn't. I told him that I'm not over Juan* which I'm not and Juan* isn't over me either. Brendan* told me he just wants me to be happy but I know that he feels like the rebound. I hate that he feels that way because that's not what I meant by it. I don't want him to be sad.

-->Also, stuff has been going on with Juan* lately. I've realized that what he did, was his way of trying to cause me as little pain as possible, it didn't work, but he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me. It was only making this worse on me being angry at him. I woke up one morning and realized that I forgive him. And I told him that, I told him that I know he wasn't trying to hurt me and that I'm not mad anymore, and that I don't know if he still cares about me but I know that he did at the time. He told me that he still cares that he just needed time for things because we were always fighting and mad at each other. Then one of our mutual friends Nathan asked me randomly if I would ever think about getting back together with Juan*. I thought I would never even consider it, but now I'm thinking I would. Nathan said that he asked Juan* the same thing and Juan* said he would go back out with me too. I mean, it's probably not the best idea b/c I could get hurt just as much, but it could also work out good. I know that I would regret it if I never took another chance on it. And he makes me happy so I feel like it's worth it to give it a try if he asks me. The only thing is that I'm going to get a lot of shit from other people about it, about how they think I'm being stupid and how he's just going to hurt me again. I don't want to hear any of it. I just want them to hug me if stuff goes bad again. I don't know why I'm even worrying about it yet, the situation hasn't even come up. I worry about everything. I miss being happy just because I knew that he was mine. I miss the way he would pick on me and tickle me even though I told him to stop. I miss the way he would push his hair back out of his face. I miss how he laughed. I miss how he would just look at me and I could tell how much he loved me. I miss being happy, I'm so sick of not being happy.