Back at Square Number One

--> I've been really out of touch lately, not only am I not keeping up with my blog but I'm not even keeping touch with my close friends. I had started to get over Juan* and the whole break-up, or so I thought. Turns out I'm so not over it. I'm not ok. I pushed the feelings away and didn't deal with them how I should have. I pretended that I was ok to everyone around me so that I could make myself believe that I WAS ok. A few days ago though I totally broke down again. I keep holding onto this notion that me and Juan* will go back to how we were before, that everything will go back to how it was last summer. But you and I both know that that will never happen. I feel so pathetic for still being upset, although I know that it will take time. It makes me feel better to know that he misses me too. I just wish we could have a truthful conversation about everything so I could tell him how I really feel, but that will never happen.

-->I was thinking about why I feel so sad and I realized something. I forgive him. I'm not angry at him anymore. I think that's why I've been so sad lately. When I was sad before, I was angry at him for doing what he did. Angry-sad. Now it's a whole different kind of sad. I realize why he did what he did, not saying that it was right in anyway. I honestly don't believe that he was trying to hurt me, yeah he was stupid to keep lying after I caught him the first time, but I think he was trying to make it easier on me in some way, even though it didn't work. Now it's more of me remembering all the good times and wanting those back and knowing I never will get them back. I feel like I'm back at square number one in getting over him.

-->I've gotten to the point where I can spend time with Brendan* without letting my thoughts of Juan* get in the way. I think about him, but it's not like how it used to be, it doesn't get in the way of me having a good time with Brendan*. Except for last night. I haven't talked to Juan* in a while, and when does he decide to text me to say what's up? When I'm with Brendan*. He texts me at the most inconvenient times, when he texts me it makes me think about it more and gets in the way of me enjoying my time with Brendan*.

-->Other than boys, I've started a job as a waitress. It's a little stressful because there's a lot to remember and a very rushed environment. I'm worried that I'm going to get very overwhelmed. I'm hoping that everyone there is understanding and patient with me considering they know I've never done it before.

-->I feel like I'm growing up too fast. Haha! I know that that sounds very weird and lame but I do. Even though I moved out of my house last fall for college, I feel like I'm REALLY out on my own this summer. I have a job, my own car, and my own place, well I live with someone but on my own. I'm mostly by myself all the time. Jackie* who I live with has two jobs and is almost never here. I get lonely sometimes.