Freakin' Me Out

-->I've never been the girl to be afraid of relationships. I craved them, I was always the one who was like excited to have a boyfriend, couldn't wait to be completely head over heels over someone and them feel the same.....now, it totally freaks me out and I can't even pinpoint why.

-->Everything with Brendan* is ok, I've told him I'm not ready for a relationship, and he says he isn't either, which is good and made me feel so much better about it. For some reason, taking on a commitment to someone scares me right now. It's not even like, I wanna see other people and I don't want to be tied down, I actually get really freaked out by it and don't want to be in one. I think it's just because it's new and kind of unknown for me. And then Brendan* is going way too fast for me. I know that sounds weird because we're not in a relationship, how could it be going fast? It just is, emotionally. He will make little hints like, I'm gonna marry you someday. And yesterday he said, you're going to be my wife one day, we're gonna have kids and grow old together. And I asked him how he was so sure, and he said he just knows. The whole talking about marriage thing is totally freaking me out. I know that he's not talking about getting married anytime soon but he's still talking about it. How can you say that you're one day going to commit your life, be a persons partner for life, and say that you're not ready for a relationship. I'm not ready for a relationship, and I don't even want to talk about marriage. I mean I can see it happening, I can see me and Brendan* being together, but I'm not ready to see it. I cannot make that kind of decision, commitment yet.

-->I had to take a Zoloft to calm down because thinking about this whole marriage thing that he's talking about just freaks me the fuck out. It makes my heart beat really fast, it makes me feel nervous. I don't like it. And he also wants me to go to the beach with his entire family this summer, and meet them and kind of become part of the family. I can't deal with all that....and whats really bothering me is, I don't know how to even begin to tell him that all this scares me and he needs to slow down.