Today Sucks

-->First of all, let me just say that I hate thinking...not thinking in general but thinking about things that have bothered me in the first place. Why do I have to think about it and make myself more upset? Why?

-->Let me fill you in on what I'm talking about, unless you've already guessed. Brendan* is my problem. He's not being an asshole, it's just the whole idea of Brendan*/a relationship with him. I thought it was what I wanted but that I just wasn't ready for an actual relationship. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I want him. This all dawned on me earlier. When we were taking Jackie's* dog out for a walk. When I'm with him the only thought running through my head is "I'm so not ready for this yet." But today, a thought popped into my head that made this whole thinking thing get on a roll. This is what just popped into my head: "I don't want him. He's not good enough." I was like WOAH after that. After that thought all these other thoughts just kept coming to me. I realized that I'm so not over Juan*, as much as I tell myself that I should be glad he's gone and that I hate him, I still love him, I still want him in my life, and I miss him like crazy. Even though I shouldn't. It also made me realize that Brendan* isn't good enough, and as much as I cared about him, Juan* coming into my life completely changed all that. But then I thought do I really not want Brendan*, or will I want to be with him when I'm totally over Juan*. But about that, I feel like I would know if I really wanted to be with Brendan*. (I know I'm rambling, it just helps me to get all my thoughts out.) And the thing about all these things that I'm feeling is, I can talk to my friends about it, but no one can help me fully figure it out except for me.

-->Idk if it's just because of all the thinking I've been doing today but I really want to call Juan* and just completely break down and tell him that I miss him and that I'm not ok, but I don't want to seem pathetic. I just want to hear that he misses me too, but I don't want to get shot down if he says he doesn't miss me. I want him back, and I know that it's a horrible idea but I can't help it. I can't seem to forget the way he made me feel and how perfect things were. It's so STUPID for me to be so upset...I mean he's in high school, I'm in college, I don't need him! But that doesn't change the fact that I miss him oh so much.

-->And then, I saw all my grades, and they are not so good. I got a D+ in one and a D in another, all the rest are fine. And I wouldn't be bothered by the D's it's just that idk if I have to take them over again. D's usually mean passing but in college depending on the class you might have to take them over. I will totally cry if I have to take them over considering those were the two I hated most. Today sucks but maybe tomorrow will be better.