Summer, Some Good Some Bad

This past week or so has been a little difficult for me, but also, a lot of fun. This past weekend, me and some of my family went to the beach for 3 days. I love the beach in general but it was really great to be able to spend that much needed time with my family. They get on my nerves sometimes, but I don't know what I would do without them. They are always there when I need them. If I feel lonely, I just go to see them and I feel so much better. I have been pushing myself away from them for so long that I forgot how much that I really do miss them. On Monday, unfortunately, we had to leave the beach. It sucked that we had to leave but I'm sure we'll go back again.

It has been kind of difficult just because I've been really depressed lately. I don't know exactly why. And I don't think I can totally blame it on the break up. I've just felt extremely lonely. I'm at the apartment by myself half the time and I don't think that's a good thing. I need to find more stuff to occupy myself.

When I got back from the beach, I called Marshall and immediately started crying. I told him that I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I'm not ready to be with him, and not ready to give my heart away. I'm sorry for the fact that I thought I was and lead him on in that way. I'm sorry that I'm not over Jose yet. Marshall isn't mad though, he is very understanding about the whole thing, but I know how sad he really is. He tries to pretend like he isn't and just says that he's here for me. But I know that he wants to be here for me, but it is so hard for him to do that because he's so sad. I like the fact that I can talk to him, but at the same time, I don't like to talk about me and Jose and what's going on with us. Not with Marshall. I know that it makes him sad. But he asks me about it and so I tell him, not ALL THE DETAILS, but the basic stuff. He'll say things like "You're gonna find a great guy one day" but he says it in a way that makes me think that he wishes he was that great guy for me. He says it so sad. And even though he says that he understands and he wants to be there for me and he doesn't openly make me feel bad about it; I feel bad about it, just because I can tell how sad he really is.

But the story with me and Jose is: I still love him, I still care about him. I know for a fact that he still cares about me and would go back out with me. I thought that I would go back out with him too. Now I'm cautious of that. I am not sure that it would work. Not only is there a big chance that he would hurt me again like he did, there are just certain things that happened in our relationship, that he did, that he's not going to change (I know they won't change b/c that's how he is), that are going to keep the relationship from working. Let me give you some examples. When we dated, we would talk at night and arrange to hang out the next day. So, obviously, I didn't make other plans because I thought I would be hanging out with him. The next day comes and he doesn't answer my phone calls, or when he does he says I'll call you later, and doesn't give me a time that we're going to hang out. So basically, I'm sitting on my ass all day, passing up hanging out with friends, waiting for him. I would get angry about that and tell him that. But I know that's not going to change, b/c it didn't change when we were dating and I told him I didn't like it. Another thing that he did was whenever we did hang out, he had his phone attached at his hip, any text message he got, he would reply right away. When he wasn't around, and I would text him, he wouldn't reply, for the longest time. I got angry about that because, when you're with me or anywhere else, no matter who texts you you reply right away, but then you take fucking forever to text me, it made me mad. One other thing that would make it so it wouldn't work is the fact that he doesn't talk about things. I KNOW that lots of guys don't talk about things. I'm saying that, if he got mad at me, if we got into an argument, I could tell that he had something to say, but he did not say it because he thought that if he just stopped talking about it, problems would just go away. That's not how things work, if he is upset with me, he needs to tell me and he won't do that, that's just not how he is. I mean, I guess I am kind of jumping to conclusions saying that these things won't change. If I mentioned them to him, maybe they would. But I doubt it. He would probably just nod his head, agree with me, and think, "She'll forget about it later".

So this leaves me with a dilemma. If I do want to be with him and want to see if he's going to change those things, I need to bring it up to him. He can't read my mind, if I want us to be back together, something needs to be said. I have one way of doing that: He still has a girlfriend, the girl that he started going out with after me. Even though he still has that girlfriend, every time me and him hang out, we make out/mess around/flirt things of that nature. I like the physical stuff, and if I don't want to get back together with him, I think I will just continue with the physical stuff. Here is my plan for if I decide that it's worth it, if I want to get back together with him. The next time that he tries to kiss me or do anything, I would basically tell him no, because you have a girlfriend it's not right and also tell him that I still have feelings for him. Kind of portray the fact that if he wants me, he wants all of me, he wants to be with me. Because that way, it will show him that I do want to be with him again AND it will show me if he's willing to do something about it, if HE'S serious. As of right now, he could be thinking, well I can do the physical stuff with her and still have my girlfriend too. But there's also the fact that if I say "No you have a girlfriend", he'll just keep going out with his girlfriend and stop messing around with me. Now I just have to decide what I want.

Do I JUST want the physical stuff and want to continue whats happening as of now?

Do I really want to get back with him?

Do I take a risk, the risk of giving up all the physicalness, to tell him I want to be with him?

(Wow, I sound like a slut b/c I like the physical stuff. I'm not a slut, people. Girls are allowed to be just as horny as guys are.)