--> Today, a pretty easy day as far as school goes. I went to my morning exam didn't have another one until 6, went home, got the car, came back went to my other exam. Sounds pretty boring right? WRONG!
--> Brendan* and I have an interesting relationship. We are not IN a relationship, but we kinda are, just without the title. So, last week he told me that he made out with this girl. And I was like, not very mad b/c technically I can't be mad b/c we're not in a relationship. Then I found out later that he spent the night at this girls dorm, and that upset me a little because yes you made out with her and stopped before you did anything else, but you totally could have walked home after that, you didn't have to spend the night, even if it was on an air mattress on the floor. So, he told me that he was sorry and he loves me more than anything. And I told him to promise he wouldn't do it again. He promised. Promises are a big deal for me.
--> So this morning he calls me and tells me he has to talk to me. I'm thinking OH GOD, what the hell is it now? I was like, just fucking tell me. He told me that he slept with someone else. Once again, we are not officially in a relationship, AND, I did the same thing the other day. BUT, I'm not so angry about the act of him having sex with someone else, I'm upset that he broke a promise to me. I told him that because of this he's going to have to earn my trust back b/c I can't believe the promises he's going to make to me. I know it might be hypocritical but I can't help it. I didn't admit to him what I did with Juan*. Say I'm a horrible person, but I don't want to tell him. Brendan* told me that he doesn't want to lose me and he's going to get his shit together and that he wants me to know that if we did make this official he would never cheat on me. And that he knows it's no excuse but it's just hard being away at school and not being with me. I'm just skeptical about what he says. I don't want to get sucked into the bullshit.
--> Then, after my 6 pm. exam, I came home because I'm taking my friend to the hospital tomorrow, she is having surgery. Juan* texted me and asked me to hang out. So I did, and it was totally different than the other night, ya know when the scandalous things happened lol. It's always different every time I see or hang out with him. We either talk like normal people, hardly look at each other, or hook up. God, I've got to stop hanging out with him if I ever want this to go away. It's just so hard, I just remember how things used to be and I miss that. And our friend told me today that Juan* talks about how much he misses me sometimes. But really, I can't do anything about that, it's his own fault that he misses me.
--> Well that is my day, get back to you tomorrow, I'm sure there will be more drama to talk about.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Life of me recently
--> So, some things that have been going on with me recently. Hmmm, let's see. I am about to move out of the dorm THANK GOD! I don't think I can live with my roommate any more. (I really hope she never finds this btw haha). I mean, she's my best friend, and she really is an awesome friend BUT there are just certain pet peeves that I have that she seems to trigger, I just cannot live with her. So, just annoying stuff with her. Now on to the more important things.
--> So me and Brendan* are not officially in a relationship, BUT it is getting a tad serious like one. He told me/promised me that he'll never hurt me and he loves me more than anything he's ever loved. I think the promise that you'll never hurt someone is an impossible promise. You can't promise something like that to someone. Anyways, he's been so good to me. He's affectionate, sweet, caring. He really is my best friend and knows everything about me and understands everything that I have to say. He knows about the whole Juan* situation so I can tell him how I feel about it and he understands which is really nice b/c I don't always have to hide things from him. Although this is all fine and dandy, there are a few things that are bothering me.
1) I know I'm not ready for a relationship, I'm not in one and I don't know if I want to be just yet
2) He has a drug issue, it's not an everyday thing...but it's a big thing. He pops pills every once in a while, and it severely bothers me. And it's not like I haven't told him that, I have. It just does not seem to have much effect on him. Or he cannot stop. I don't know how to make him stop. I'm not trying to be a bitch to him and be annoying about it but it's a big deal to me, it's a big problem period. And I don't know if I'm trying to get involved into something like that.
3) Something happened this past weekend when I went to see him that kind of freaked me out. I feel like it's a big deal just b/c it seems to be bothering me so much. We went to the beach with one of his friends. There were some people in front of us walking on the sidewalk going really slow and said something really rude to us. Brendan* completely freaked out, and got extremely mad. I can understand being upset, like hey, don't do that dude but he got really pissed like, come back here fight like a man, fuck you, I'll break your fucking face. It really freaked me out a lot. I have never seen him get angry in that way before and I don't like it. What if he hurts me one day because of his anger? He's never shown any signs of wanting or trying to hurt me before, but who knows? And I feel like if it was something I shouldn't be worried about, I wouldn't be worrying about it.
-->Another thing, before I went to see Brendan*, a few days before, Juan* texted me to say what's up how I was doing things like that. Pretty uneventful conversation. Then the next day, I went to go pick up my nephew from the sitters house, which happens to be the house that me and Juan* and our whole group of friends is always at. He was there and I saw him. It triggered something, not necessarily that it's extremely awkward being around him, not the fact that I want to be with him again, not even that I still have feelings. Just the realization that I don't want to be hurt again. So I couldn't really enjoy myself with Brendan* this past weekend because I'm subconciously pushing him away so I don't get hurt.
Once I got back, I decided to go hang out with our old group of friends again Juan* and the others. We hung out, drank some beers, just chilled. Then, one of our friends had to take his friend home. Juan* decided to stay with me so we went to my house, he wanted to see my brother and stuff, and he talked about how much he missed it over there and stuff b/c when we dated he met my whole family, and we were all really close. When he said that me and my brother were both like "well yeah, whose fault is that?" Later, we left my house and went back to the house we were hanging out at and waited for the others. That's when stuff started. He was semi drunk/tipsy and I was a little bit tipsy myself. He put his arm around me and then we started kissing. THEN, here is my mistake. I hooked up with him again. I mean, I couldn't help it, what can I say? I miss the physical stuff sometimes. Oh well, you can only learn from mistakes. Although, I don't regret it all that much, it was kinda impulsive and idk, exciting in a way. I mean, yeah, he was a jerk to me, but also just b/c we hooked up doesn't mean that I'm looking for anything else or expecting anything from it. To be honest, I was just kinda using him in that way. So no judgments please! Don't think any less of me, I'm not a bad person.
-->Well, I've got exams tomorrow and need to get prepared for those so my plan is to post another blog soon.
--> So me and Brendan* are not officially in a relationship, BUT it is getting a tad serious like one. He told me/promised me that he'll never hurt me and he loves me more than anything he's ever loved. I think the promise that you'll never hurt someone is an impossible promise. You can't promise something like that to someone. Anyways, he's been so good to me. He's affectionate, sweet, caring. He really is my best friend and knows everything about me and understands everything that I have to say. He knows about the whole Juan* situation so I can tell him how I feel about it and he understands which is really nice b/c I don't always have to hide things from him. Although this is all fine and dandy, there are a few things that are bothering me.
1) I know I'm not ready for a relationship, I'm not in one and I don't know if I want to be just yet
2) He has a drug issue, it's not an everyday thing...but it's a big thing. He pops pills every once in a while, and it severely bothers me. And it's not like I haven't told him that, I have. It just does not seem to have much effect on him. Or he cannot stop. I don't know how to make him stop. I'm not trying to be a bitch to him and be annoying about it but it's a big deal to me, it's a big problem period. And I don't know if I'm trying to get involved into something like that.
3) Something happened this past weekend when I went to see him that kind of freaked me out. I feel like it's a big deal just b/c it seems to be bothering me so much. We went to the beach with one of his friends. There were some people in front of us walking on the sidewalk going really slow and said something really rude to us. Brendan* completely freaked out, and got extremely mad. I can understand being upset, like hey, don't do that dude but he got really pissed like, come back here fight like a man, fuck you, I'll break your fucking face. It really freaked me out a lot. I have never seen him get angry in that way before and I don't like it. What if he hurts me one day because of his anger? He's never shown any signs of wanting or trying to hurt me before, but who knows? And I feel like if it was something I shouldn't be worried about, I wouldn't be worrying about it.
-->Another thing, before I went to see Brendan*, a few days before, Juan* texted me to say what's up how I was doing things like that. Pretty uneventful conversation. Then the next day, I went to go pick up my nephew from the sitters house, which happens to be the house that me and Juan* and our whole group of friends is always at. He was there and I saw him. It triggered something, not necessarily that it's extremely awkward being around him, not the fact that I want to be with him again, not even that I still have feelings. Just the realization that I don't want to be hurt again. So I couldn't really enjoy myself with Brendan* this past weekend because I'm subconciously pushing him away so I don't get hurt.
Once I got back, I decided to go hang out with our old group of friends again Juan* and the others. We hung out, drank some beers, just chilled. Then, one of our friends had to take his friend home. Juan* decided to stay with me so we went to my house, he wanted to see my brother and stuff, and he talked about how much he missed it over there and stuff b/c when we dated he met my whole family, and we were all really close. When he said that me and my brother were both like "well yeah, whose fault is that?" Later, we left my house and went back to the house we were hanging out at and waited for the others. That's when stuff started. He was semi drunk/tipsy and I was a little bit tipsy myself. He put his arm around me and then we started kissing. THEN, here is my mistake. I hooked up with him again. I mean, I couldn't help it, what can I say? I miss the physical stuff sometimes. Oh well, you can only learn from mistakes. Although, I don't regret it all that much, it was kinda impulsive and idk, exciting in a way. I mean, yeah, he was a jerk to me, but also just b/c we hooked up doesn't mean that I'm looking for anything else or expecting anything from it. To be honest, I was just kinda using him in that way. So no judgments please! Don't think any less of me, I'm not a bad person.
-->Well, I've got exams tomorrow and need to get prepared for those so my plan is to post another blog soon.
Hope you're interested enough to read all of this.
-->So, I'm in college right now and writing in a journal/blogging is something I do a lot. It's a way for me to get out my feelings, kinda talk stuff out with myself if that makes sense. Make all the mumbo jumbo in my head make a little bit of sense by writing it all out. It's also a way for me to remember the significant or even little things that happen in my life. I never want to forget things...except the bad things.
-->There have been a few bad things that have happened in my life. Bad stuff sucks, but it's part of life, and all the bad experiences even though they hurt they make me who I am today and I should be grateful for that. My definition of bad experiences may not be the same as all of yours but just b/c you got your arm cut off doesn't mean my paper cut doesn't hurt. Everyone's experiences affect/effect?(I can never figure which one to use) them in different ways. So I was going to tell you a little bit about mine.
-->About 3 years ago, my parents started to have issues. It wasn't that they were necessarily fighting all the time, but you can tell when stuff isn't right. One day me and my mom and brother were flying out to see our cousins in St. Louis, my dad in the mean time was planning on going to play with his blue grass band thing, I was not a fan. Turns out, we missed the flight so came back home for the night to leave in the morning. Who didn't show up? My dad, he was gone all night, didn't even know that we came back. My mom asked him what he did that night and pretended that she didn't know he was gone and he lied, said he was home the whole time. Turns out, he left b/c he was seeing someone else. Then he tried to lie and say he wasn't seeing some one else. It struck a nerve with me. If my dad would lie? Who's to say guys I meet in my life won't? That experience did make me stronger though. And that's when I got my first tattoo, the Kanji symbol for strength. I think it's important to stay strong...never let anything break you.
-->Another thing that was real tough for me was classic boy trouble. It has gotten way better but it's taken a while to get there, and it's kind of coming back into play now...I'll get to that later. Brendan* (not his real name), has been one of my best friends since 9th grade, also one of my biggest crushes since 9th grade. We just stayed friends for a while but once the feelings came out he talked about how he wanted to be with me and how he liked me. Me, being a stupid naive high school girl believed all the bullshit and was torn apart when I found out it was all lies.
-->Then, the most recent bad incident. My exboyfriend. Juan* (not real name either), was the perfect guy, cute, sweet. Everything was so perfect, and I fell hard, real crazy hard. We were together for 7 months, and it was a little bit rocky at points but nothing i wasn't willing to give my everything for. He is still in high school, so I came home every weekend from college to see him. Then came the day when he said he wanted a "break", it seemed like he was giving up. I was hurt b/c I would have done anything for him. I found out later that he never wanted a break, he just wanted to break up. He told me all these different reasons, all these stories of why, how he didn't want to hurt me, and how he loved me. Everytime he told me something, I heard something else from one of our friends, every time I confronted him, he made the story different. I didn't believe him. On top of that there was a new girl that he was hanging out with and when he told ME that he wasn't going out with her, it wasn't until after we hooked up again, that I found out that he was lying about that too. I tried to tell the new girlfriend that he was a douche bag, but that of course didn't work, she didn't believe me.
-->So now, me and Brendan* are talking again. While I was in a relationship with Juan*, Brendan* told me he was in love with me. I realized after the whole Juan* thing that I still had feelings for Brendan*. So we are kind of going on that for right now. It's just difficult because even though he is acting different now, I cannot stop thinking about how he hurt me before, and I cannot get over how Juan* hurt me yet. But that's understandable right? We didn't even fully break up less than two months ago. I'm just scared to put myself out there to get hurt again, but I also don't want to miss out something amazing. And now Juan* and me have started talking again, just casual. Idk.
-->Sorry this is such a long post, I hope that those interested will take the time to read it. This is the life of me, drama and all.
-->There have been a few bad things that have happened in my life. Bad stuff sucks, but it's part of life, and all the bad experiences even though they hurt they make me who I am today and I should be grateful for that. My definition of bad experiences may not be the same as all of yours but just b/c you got your arm cut off doesn't mean my paper cut doesn't hurt. Everyone's experiences affect/effect?(I can never figure which one to use) them in different ways. So I was going to tell you a little bit about mine.
-->About 3 years ago, my parents started to have issues. It wasn't that they were necessarily fighting all the time, but you can tell when stuff isn't right. One day me and my mom and brother were flying out to see our cousins in St. Louis, my dad in the mean time was planning on going to play with his blue grass band thing, I was not a fan. Turns out, we missed the flight so came back home for the night to leave in the morning. Who didn't show up? My dad, he was gone all night, didn't even know that we came back. My mom asked him what he did that night and pretended that she didn't know he was gone and he lied, said he was home the whole time. Turns out, he left b/c he was seeing someone else. Then he tried to lie and say he wasn't seeing some one else. It struck a nerve with me. If my dad would lie? Who's to say guys I meet in my life won't? That experience did make me stronger though. And that's when I got my first tattoo, the Kanji symbol for strength. I think it's important to stay strong...never let anything break you.
-->Another thing that was real tough for me was classic boy trouble. It has gotten way better but it's taken a while to get there, and it's kind of coming back into play now...I'll get to that later. Brendan* (not his real name), has been one of my best friends since 9th grade, also one of my biggest crushes since 9th grade. We just stayed friends for a while but once the feelings came out he talked about how he wanted to be with me and how he liked me. Me, being a stupid naive high school girl believed all the bullshit and was torn apart when I found out it was all lies.
-->Then, the most recent bad incident. My exboyfriend. Juan* (not real name either), was the perfect guy, cute, sweet. Everything was so perfect, and I fell hard, real crazy hard. We were together for 7 months, and it was a little bit rocky at points but nothing i wasn't willing to give my everything for. He is still in high school, so I came home every weekend from college to see him. Then came the day when he said he wanted a "break", it seemed like he was giving up. I was hurt b/c I would have done anything for him. I found out later that he never wanted a break, he just wanted to break up. He told me all these different reasons, all these stories of why, how he didn't want to hurt me, and how he loved me. Everytime he told me something, I heard something else from one of our friends, every time I confronted him, he made the story different. I didn't believe him. On top of that there was a new girl that he was hanging out with and when he told ME that he wasn't going out with her, it wasn't until after we hooked up again, that I found out that he was lying about that too. I tried to tell the new girlfriend that he was a douche bag, but that of course didn't work, she didn't believe me.
-->So now, me and Brendan* are talking again. While I was in a relationship with Juan*, Brendan* told me he was in love with me. I realized after the whole Juan* thing that I still had feelings for Brendan*. So we are kind of going on that for right now. It's just difficult because even though he is acting different now, I cannot stop thinking about how he hurt me before, and I cannot get over how Juan* hurt me yet. But that's understandable right? We didn't even fully break up less than two months ago. I'm just scared to put myself out there to get hurt again, but I also don't want to miss out something amazing. And now Juan* and me have started talking again, just casual. Idk.
-->Sorry this is such a long post, I hope that those interested will take the time to read it. This is the life of me, drama and all.
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