Summer, Some Good Some Bad

This past week or so has been a little difficult for me, but also, a lot of fun. This past weekend, me and some of my family went to the beach for 3 days. I love the beach in general but it was really great to be able to spend that much needed time with my family. They get on my nerves sometimes, but I don't know what I would do without them. They are always there when I need them. If I feel lonely, I just go to see them and I feel so much better. I have been pushing myself away from them for so long that I forgot how much that I really do miss them. On Monday, unfortunately, we had to leave the beach. It sucked that we had to leave but I'm sure we'll go back again.

It has been kind of difficult just because I've been really depressed lately. I don't know exactly why. And I don't think I can totally blame it on the break up. I've just felt extremely lonely. I'm at the apartment by myself half the time and I don't think that's a good thing. I need to find more stuff to occupy myself.

When I got back from the beach, I called Marshall and immediately started crying. I told him that I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I'm not ready to be with him, and not ready to give my heart away. I'm sorry for the fact that I thought I was and lead him on in that way. I'm sorry that I'm not over Jose yet. Marshall isn't mad though, he is very understanding about the whole thing, but I know how sad he really is. He tries to pretend like he isn't and just says that he's here for me. But I know that he wants to be here for me, but it is so hard for him to do that because he's so sad. I like the fact that I can talk to him, but at the same time, I don't like to talk about me and Jose and what's going on with us. Not with Marshall. I know that it makes him sad. But he asks me about it and so I tell him, not ALL THE DETAILS, but the basic stuff. He'll say things like "You're gonna find a great guy one day" but he says it in a way that makes me think that he wishes he was that great guy for me. He says it so sad. And even though he says that he understands and he wants to be there for me and he doesn't openly make me feel bad about it; I feel bad about it, just because I can tell how sad he really is.

But the story with me and Jose is: I still love him, I still care about him. I know for a fact that he still cares about me and would go back out with me. I thought that I would go back out with him too. Now I'm cautious of that. I am not sure that it would work. Not only is there a big chance that he would hurt me again like he did, there are just certain things that happened in our relationship, that he did, that he's not going to change (I know they won't change b/c that's how he is), that are going to keep the relationship from working. Let me give you some examples. When we dated, we would talk at night and arrange to hang out the next day. So, obviously, I didn't make other plans because I thought I would be hanging out with him. The next day comes and he doesn't answer my phone calls, or when he does he says I'll call you later, and doesn't give me a time that we're going to hang out. So basically, I'm sitting on my ass all day, passing up hanging out with friends, waiting for him. I would get angry about that and tell him that. But I know that's not going to change, b/c it didn't change when we were dating and I told him I didn't like it. Another thing that he did was whenever we did hang out, he had his phone attached at his hip, any text message he got, he would reply right away. When he wasn't around, and I would text him, he wouldn't reply, for the longest time. I got angry about that because, when you're with me or anywhere else, no matter who texts you you reply right away, but then you take fucking forever to text me, it made me mad. One other thing that would make it so it wouldn't work is the fact that he doesn't talk about things. I KNOW that lots of guys don't talk about things. I'm saying that, if he got mad at me, if we got into an argument, I could tell that he had something to say, but he did not say it because he thought that if he just stopped talking about it, problems would just go away. That's not how things work, if he is upset with me, he needs to tell me and he won't do that, that's just not how he is. I mean, I guess I am kind of jumping to conclusions saying that these things won't change. If I mentioned them to him, maybe they would. But I doubt it. He would probably just nod his head, agree with me, and think, "She'll forget about it later".

So this leaves me with a dilemma. If I do want to be with him and want to see if he's going to change those things, I need to bring it up to him. He can't read my mind, if I want us to be back together, something needs to be said. I have one way of doing that: He still has a girlfriend, the girl that he started going out with after me. Even though he still has that girlfriend, every time me and him hang out, we make out/mess around/flirt things of that nature. I like the physical stuff, and if I don't want to get back together with him, I think I will just continue with the physical stuff. Here is my plan for if I decide that it's worth it, if I want to get back together with him. The next time that he tries to kiss me or do anything, I would basically tell him no, because you have a girlfriend it's not right and also tell him that I still have feelings for him. Kind of portray the fact that if he wants me, he wants all of me, he wants to be with me. Because that way, it will show him that I do want to be with him again AND it will show me if he's willing to do something about it, if HE'S serious. As of right now, he could be thinking, well I can do the physical stuff with her and still have my girlfriend too. But there's also the fact that if I say "No you have a girlfriend", he'll just keep going out with his girlfriend and stop messing around with me. Now I just have to decide what I want.

Do I JUST want the physical stuff and want to continue whats happening as of now?

Do I really want to get back with him?

Do I take a risk, the risk of giving up all the physicalness, to tell him I want to be with him?

(Wow, I sound like a slut b/c I like the physical stuff. I'm not a slut, people. Girls are allowed to be just as horny as guys are.)

This is probably going to be the most emo blog ever.

So this is about to be really emo and dramatic but it's how I feel right now. I feel really alone. Like not physically, but emotionally. And even though I have people that I can talk to, I feel like I'm really alone with my thoughts and feelings if that makes any sense. I think I need some help, like need to go to a therapist just to have someone to talk to. I mean I have friends and things but I need help from someone who can help me figure out how and why I'm feeling this way. Ok done with the emo shit.

Yesterday, I went to hang out with Nathan and Juan* (who am I kidding, does it really make a difference if I disguise the names? I'm just gonna use real names from now on) ok, Nathan and Jose. (Juan*=Jose in all previous blogs). The house that we always hang out at is Laurens house. Me and Lauren aren't really friends anymore but we were cool a few months back. Now recently she's been a total bitch, slamming doors, stomping her feet. But I have no idea why she's mad at me. Yesterday she straight up kicked me out of her house. Like I don't want you here anymore. I asked why she was mad and she just said you wouldn't understand. Here's what I say to that BULLSHIT! This is stupid high school drama. She's fucking bipolar or something. She can go fuck herself b/c Nathan, Jose, AND David(her boyfriend) are still gonna come hang out with me this summer and leave her by herself.

Anyways, before that shit happened, me and Nathan picked up Jose and we hung out, Nathan ran to his car and in the car me and Jose kissed. I was especially mad that Lauren did that shit b/c then I couldn't hang out with Jose anymore. He came back over before he went home though because he had left his book bag in my car. He gave me a hug and a kiss before he left and held onto my hand as he walked away. He told me he wanted to hang out with me tomorrow(which is today) so we'll see how it goes.

Also yesterday, in the morning, Marshall (Brendan*=Marshall in all previous blogs) came over. I had told him that I think that I need a little break from whatever is going on with us because I'm not over Jose and I'm not ready to be emotionally involved with him in any way. I don't have the exact same feelings about Marshall as I used to. I still care about him, and I love the fact that he's always been there for me and always will. I just told him that I can't do this right now. And I'm really sad that he's sad. I know he really loves me and can't stand the fact that I'm still in love with someone else. He wants me to be happy, and I know that but I hate the fact that I can't love him back yet, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to. I am so grateful though to have him as my friend and know how understanding and awesome he is.

Stuff Sucks Sometimes

-->Recently I don't know how I've been feeling about Brendan*, I think my feelings for him have changed. I can't handle things like that with him right now. I told him that, I told him that I'm not emotionally ok and that it's not fair to him for me to pretend like I am ok. I just don't think I want to be with him. I don't feel for him in that way, I care about him yes, but not in that way anymore, I can't explain why but I don't think that I do. I told him that I thought that I was fine, and that this is what I wanted but I realized that it isn't. I told him that I'm not over Juan* which I'm not and Juan* isn't over me either. Brendan* told me he just wants me to be happy but I know that he feels like the rebound. I hate that he feels that way because that's not what I meant by it. I don't want him to be sad.

-->Also, stuff has been going on with Juan* lately. I've realized that what he did, was his way of trying to cause me as little pain as possible, it didn't work, but he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me. It was only making this worse on me being angry at him. I woke up one morning and realized that I forgive him. And I told him that, I told him that I know he wasn't trying to hurt me and that I'm not mad anymore, and that I don't know if he still cares about me but I know that he did at the time. He told me that he still cares that he just needed time for things because we were always fighting and mad at each other. Then one of our mutual friends Nathan asked me randomly if I would ever think about getting back together with Juan*. I thought I would never even consider it, but now I'm thinking I would. Nathan said that he asked Juan* the same thing and Juan* said he would go back out with me too. I mean, it's probably not the best idea b/c I could get hurt just as much, but it could also work out good. I know that I would regret it if I never took another chance on it. And he makes me happy so I feel like it's worth it to give it a try if he asks me. The only thing is that I'm going to get a lot of shit from other people about it, about how they think I'm being stupid and how he's just going to hurt me again. I don't want to hear any of it. I just want them to hug me if stuff goes bad again. I don't know why I'm even worrying about it yet, the situation hasn't even come up. I worry about everything. I miss being happy just because I knew that he was mine. I miss the way he would pick on me and tickle me even though I told him to stop. I miss the way he would push his hair back out of his face. I miss how he laughed. I miss how he would just look at me and I could tell how much he loved me. I miss being happy, I'm so sick of not being happy.

Back at Square Number One

--> I've been really out of touch lately, not only am I not keeping up with my blog but I'm not even keeping touch with my close friends. I had started to get over Juan* and the whole break-up, or so I thought. Turns out I'm so not over it. I'm not ok. I pushed the feelings away and didn't deal with them how I should have. I pretended that I was ok to everyone around me so that I could make myself believe that I WAS ok. A few days ago though I totally broke down again. I keep holding onto this notion that me and Juan* will go back to how we were before, that everything will go back to how it was last summer. But you and I both know that that will never happen. I feel so pathetic for still being upset, although I know that it will take time. It makes me feel better to know that he misses me too. I just wish we could have a truthful conversation about everything so I could tell him how I really feel, but that will never happen.

-->I was thinking about why I feel so sad and I realized something. I forgive him. I'm not angry at him anymore. I think that's why I've been so sad lately. When I was sad before, I was angry at him for doing what he did. Angry-sad. Now it's a whole different kind of sad. I realize why he did what he did, not saying that it was right in anyway. I honestly don't believe that he was trying to hurt me, yeah he was stupid to keep lying after I caught him the first time, but I think he was trying to make it easier on me in some way, even though it didn't work. Now it's more of me remembering all the good times and wanting those back and knowing I never will get them back. I feel like I'm back at square number one in getting over him.

-->I've gotten to the point where I can spend time with Brendan* without letting my thoughts of Juan* get in the way. I think about him, but it's not like how it used to be, it doesn't get in the way of me having a good time with Brendan*. Except for last night. I haven't talked to Juan* in a while, and when does he decide to text me to say what's up? When I'm with Brendan*. He texts me at the most inconvenient times, when he texts me it makes me think about it more and gets in the way of me enjoying my time with Brendan*.

-->Other than boys, I've started a job as a waitress. It's a little stressful because there's a lot to remember and a very rushed environment. I'm worried that I'm going to get very overwhelmed. I'm hoping that everyone there is understanding and patient with me considering they know I've never done it before.

-->I feel like I'm growing up too fast. Haha! I know that that sounds very weird and lame but I do. Even though I moved out of my house last fall for college, I feel like I'm REALLY out on my own this summer. I have a job, my own car, and my own place, well I live with someone but on my own. I'm mostly by myself all the time. Jackie* who I live with has two jobs and is almost never here. I get lonely sometimes.

Freakin' Me Out

-->I've never been the girl to be afraid of relationships. I craved them, I was always the one who was like excited to have a boyfriend, couldn't wait to be completely head over heels over someone and them feel the same.....now, it totally freaks me out and I can't even pinpoint why.

-->Everything with Brendan* is ok, I've told him I'm not ready for a relationship, and he says he isn't either, which is good and made me feel so much better about it. For some reason, taking on a commitment to someone scares me right now. It's not even like, I wanna see other people and I don't want to be tied down, I actually get really freaked out by it and don't want to be in one. I think it's just because it's new and kind of unknown for me. And then Brendan* is going way too fast for me. I know that sounds weird because we're not in a relationship, how could it be going fast? It just is, emotionally. He will make little hints like, I'm gonna marry you someday. And yesterday he said, you're going to be my wife one day, we're gonna have kids and grow old together. And I asked him how he was so sure, and he said he just knows. The whole talking about marriage thing is totally freaking me out. I know that he's not talking about getting married anytime soon but he's still talking about it. How can you say that you're one day going to commit your life, be a persons partner for life, and say that you're not ready for a relationship. I'm not ready for a relationship, and I don't even want to talk about marriage. I mean I can see it happening, I can see me and Brendan* being together, but I'm not ready to see it. I cannot make that kind of decision, commitment yet.

-->I had to take a Zoloft to calm down because thinking about this whole marriage thing that he's talking about just freaks me the fuck out. It makes my heart beat really fast, it makes me feel nervous. I don't like it. And he also wants me to go to the beach with his entire family this summer, and meet them and kind of become part of the family. I can't deal with all that....and whats really bothering me is, I don't know how to even begin to tell him that all this scares me and he needs to slow down.

Another realization......

I don't know how I'm feeling, I worry too much/think too much about things I cannot necessarily control. I bring all this on myself......

Today Sucks

-->First of all, let me just say that I hate thinking...not thinking in general but thinking about things that have bothered me in the first place. Why do I have to think about it and make myself more upset? Why?

-->Let me fill you in on what I'm talking about, unless you've already guessed. Brendan* is my problem. He's not being an asshole, it's just the whole idea of Brendan*/a relationship with him. I thought it was what I wanted but that I just wasn't ready for an actual relationship. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I want him. This all dawned on me earlier. When we were taking Jackie's* dog out for a walk. When I'm with him the only thought running through my head is "I'm so not ready for this yet." But today, a thought popped into my head that made this whole thinking thing get on a roll. This is what just popped into my head: "I don't want him. He's not good enough." I was like WOAH after that. After that thought all these other thoughts just kept coming to me. I realized that I'm so not over Juan*, as much as I tell myself that I should be glad he's gone and that I hate him, I still love him, I still want him in my life, and I miss him like crazy. Even though I shouldn't. It also made me realize that Brendan* isn't good enough, and as much as I cared about him, Juan* coming into my life completely changed all that. But then I thought do I really not want Brendan*, or will I want to be with him when I'm totally over Juan*. But about that, I feel like I would know if I really wanted to be with Brendan*. (I know I'm rambling, it just helps me to get all my thoughts out.) And the thing about all these things that I'm feeling is, I can talk to my friends about it, but no one can help me fully figure it out except for me.

-->Idk if it's just because of all the thinking I've been doing today but I really want to call Juan* and just completely break down and tell him that I miss him and that I'm not ok, but I don't want to seem pathetic. I just want to hear that he misses me too, but I don't want to get shot down if he says he doesn't miss me. I want him back, and I know that it's a horrible idea but I can't help it. I can't seem to forget the way he made me feel and how perfect things were. It's so STUPID for me to be so upset...I mean he's in high school, I'm in college, I don't need him! But that doesn't change the fact that I miss him oh so much.

-->And then, I saw all my grades, and they are not so good. I got a D+ in one and a D in another, all the rest are fine. And I wouldn't be bothered by the D's it's just that idk if I have to take them over again. D's usually mean passing but in college depending on the class you might have to take them over. I will totally cry if I have to take them over considering those were the two I hated most. Today sucks but maybe tomorrow will be better.

CINCO DE MAYO

--> It's been a pretty good past couple of days. Summer is starting off great. I don't have much to worry about. I mean I need to get a job, but no worries. It's a new feeling for me to not be as worried. It's like I don't really know what to do with myself.

--> As far as the boy issues go, I'm not too terribly worried about those either. With Juan* I'm not talking to him more than I need to. I don't go out of my way to text him, but if he texts me I will respond, I'm just not overly open with him about what's going on with my life and how I feel. He's never really offered that to me, so I don't think he deserves to know how I really am, or how I'm really doing. I know he regrets his decision, and that sucks for him, I can't go back and change anything as much a would like to, and neither can he.

--> With Brendan*, I've known him long enough to know that he changes his mind often, any kind of relationship with him is somewhat of a roller coaster. I'm expecting the best, but I'm also prepared for the worst. It's not like I haven't dealt with it before. I don't know why but I can never let him go. This is going to sound stupid but no matter how often he gets scared of a relationship I know that he still cares about me. I might sound naive in saying that but you don't know him like I do, no one does.

--> Just because I'm kind of seeing how things are going to happen with Brendan* doesn't mean that I've cut myself off. Marcus* spent the night with me the other night. I'm not even setting my sights on Marcus*, he's totally not the kind of person I can't see myself being in an actual relationship with. He's just there for my benefit in some areas. Heehee.

--> I've also realized from all these boy issues that I'm a very independent person. I don't need anyone. I've had plenty of success, with no help from any of them. I finished my first year of college, none of them helped me. I moved into an apartment, by myself (with a roommate but you know what I mean). I bought my OWN car. I didn't have help from anyone, and I can continue without anyone. Well I mean, I always have my family and friends, and in that sense, I'm very dependent. I don't know what I would do without them. They offer so much support to me when I need it the most.

--> Today, I went to lunch with my ex-roomate, Sarah* from the dorm. She's also one of my best friends but from living with her has totally made me, not hate her, but get annoyed with her so much faster. Like today, we went to Bojangle's. Neither of us specified which Bojangle's we would go to so we ended up at different ones. At first it was funny, but I called her because she wasn't there and she called me stupid for not going to the one she was at. Ok bitch, just because I went to a different one than you doesn't mean I'm stupid. Maybe you're stupid for going to the other one that we NEVER go to. I fucking hate how she sits there and laughs and makes me feel stupid for stuff, when really, neither one of us specified which one we were going to go to. I know I'm rambling and it's really not important it's just another thing about her that annoys me. I kind of wish she didn't know where I lived. I don't want her here, EVER. And if we see something funny, we'll both laugh, but she'll go on and on and on laughing, I get annoyed b/c it's like, it's really not that funny. Maybe if we were high it would be that funny, but we're not so stop laughing. I guess after reading all of what I just wrote she doesn't sound like a best friend. But I mean if I get upset or sad about something I can definitely talk to her, she just annoys me sometimes. Like my family, sometimes I HATE them, but I always love them. Oh well, maybe after being I away from her for a little more time it will be better.

Summer Begins!

--> The past few days I've moved out of the dorm and into the apartment. I love the apartment. I love being away from home, I love being able to do whatever I want. I mean at the dorm I could do whatever I wanted but my roommate was always there, there's no one here to bug me. I mean my roommate now, Jacki*, is out of town so it might be different when she comes back. I still love it though.

--> Last night, I went out with some friends to celebrate getting exams over with and whatnot. We pregamed in their room and then got a limo taxi to go out. While there I texted my "friend" Marcus* and told him he should come with us. (Marcus* and me had a little thing thing a while back, never dated, never thought about it but you know what I mean. We still keep contact.) After he got there he came and gave me a hug, then left to go get a drink. He was gone for a while til I went to find him. When I went up to him he told me that his ex girlfriend was here and that he didn't want to start any drama, hinting to me that I needed to leave. I was kinda pissed off. When we left, I figured I would try to go say bye, he brought up the ex girlfriend thing again, and I told him I just wanted to say bye and asked if he could walk me to the door. He started to walk with me then disappeared and I saw him again before we actually left. What an asshole, like really, you're going to come to the club because I invited you and then not hang out with me even a little bit? Idc how much of a hissy fit you're ex is having.

--> I had talked to Brendan* before I went out. He still always brings up the whole incident about him sleeping with that girl. I'm not sure why, because I haven't said anymore about it, I'm not even being a bitch about it, but he keeps bringing it up like soooo.....It's so annoying. Like we're not together, won't be for a while if ever so you do what you do, and I'll do what I do. He got kind of annoyed that I was going out. As soon as I mentioned it he got an attitude and got off the phone. I'm sorry but you are not going to control my life. Tonight he brought up the whole sleeping with her thing AGAIN, saying that he might sleep with someone else, is that ok. What he said was "I think we need a break." I was like a break from what? we're not dating." I don't really care to be honest because I've had it with him for right now. I told him, "that's fine, fuck who you want I'll fuck who I want". Not to say that I am going to go around and fuck a bunch of random dudes cuz I'm not, I just knew that he'd have some sort of reaction to that. He of course said he doesn't want me to sleep with anyone else, and me, trying to make a point that that is not fair to me told him he can't control me like that because we're not in a relationship. He is just becoming to much drama for me. When there is an issue, I talk to him about how I feel and it's over with. He keeps bringing it up, why is he still having issues? I have determined that I need a break from him for a few days, he doesn't say I miss you anymore, so I'm going to see if he really does miss me.

--> Oh, and I haven't heard from Juan* in the past few days. Whatever, fuck him. I don't need to be talking to be talking to him anyways. I wish that whole Juan* phase never happened. In a way it did make me stronger, yes it was a mistake but it made me see that I need to do some things differently from now on, like find a BETTER guy. I'm also way more honest with people, I am not afraid to tell them how I feel, b/c I know that finding out you were lied to sucks ass. But it's also changed me a lot. I am way more closed off about my feelings now. If something that really upsets me happens, I used to vent about it to someone, now, I will very rarely ever share it. Except to this anyways. I just don't like talking I guess.

--> Luckily, I got to get away from my guy problems today and spent the day at the mall with the girls. Lauren* and Taylor*, I haven't gotten to see them in forever. We spent FOREVER in the mall but it didn't even matter. We laughed at anything and everything and I'm pretty sure saw every inch of that mall.