Forgiveness

Forgiving someone is almost like giving them another chance. It's kind of a difficult step to forgive someone. What I have come to realize that forgiving someone else is not half as difficult as forgiving myself. I forgive Jose for what he did....not meaning it doesn't still hurt but I understand and forgive. The thing that I'm not over is me. I feel stupid for trusting him and having such high expectations of the relationship and I can't seem to forgive myself for making that mistake. I need to just be like, it's just a lesson learned but I continue to dwell on it. Not only the wrong that he did but I keep finding little things that I did wrong, or not necessarily wrong but stupid things. I gave up so much for him, which was dumb because I missed out on so much. I missed out on college memories and so many friends because I gave all my time to him. I was stupid to think that he wouldn't find someone to replace me...when I was the one to replace his ex girlfriend. It's almost as if my mind won't let me forget these mistakes that I've made when, what's done is done, it's over with now. It's like my mind just rubs it in that I fucked up. I can't change a bit of it so why can't I just give myself a break and forgive myself for making those mistakes and get over it? How can I give someone who hurt me so much, so many chances...but not give myself one?

Ex's

I realized something yesterday. I don't think that anyone ever fully gets over an ex. I don't mean just any ex and I don't mean "get over" such as they can never move on. I definitely am ready for another relationship. I mean the people that you were with and truly loved, you never get over them, such as if you ran into them on the street one day or they randomly called you...you would have some sort of reaction. Such as if they were assholes, you're going to have hard feelings. Even if you're not still mad you're going to have some sort of thoughts, or feelings about seeing them or talking to them. I don't care what anyone says but some things your going to see or hear and you're going to think of that person. You never forget unfortunately. Some of my ex's, I was never in love with so if I saw them I would be like oh hey, what's up? But I know for a fact that if I see or talk to Jose at some point there's going to be a reaction. Not necessarily that I'm going to break down and cry...but I'll have some thoughts and feelings.

Also, I've been wondering, if you meet someone older than you that asks you out on a date, how old is too old? I don't believe the "age doesn't matter" crap. Ok if you're like 3 maybe 4 years apart, I don't think it does matter but there is a point where it starts to matter. The reason I bring this up is because I met this guy and I thought he was really attractive but then I found out he's 27....8 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. That's quite an age difference, don't you think?

Updates

There has been a lot going on recently. I called Jose and I basically told him that he either wants all of me or none of me. I'm not just his booty call and I deserve better than that. I told him that I miss him so much and it just kills me to sit there and have this hope that we'll get back together, when deep inside I know it will never happen. I told him that I gave up so much for him, a lot of my college memories and that I always trusted him. I knew he never trusted me, and I knew that he always thought that me and Marshall had something going on. He said that he would have trusted me more if I had told him about the past kind of "relationship" Marshall and I had. Jose said that he knew about it but I never told him and that made him not trust me. I told him that the reason why I never explained is because I felt that if I did, he would see me differently and trust me LESS. I just told him the whole story of me and Marshall, even how we dated after Jose and I broke up. I also told him that I don't have feelings for him now, even though Marshall loves me and wants to marry me someday. Jose said that he feels bad that because of what he did, I can't let myself try to be with Marshall. I told him you know, you made it so I don't trust people, and you did make it hard for me to put myself out there for guys, but it's not your fault that I don't have the feelings for him that he has for me.....I guess there are some things that both of us, both me and Jose, should have said, but I honestly don't think that it would have worked even if we would have said them.

I started to hang out with this guy Evan. A friend of a friend. He texted me and stuff and I thought all he wanted was sex. Which it turned out to be it was. He was one persistent mother fucker! (lol) We hung out at this party and a few times during the week. Then one night he invited me over to hang out after work, and he had this other girl there. I thought she was one of my friend Becca's friends but then she sat beside him and put her legs all over his lap. I got mad because, why would he even invite me over, if he had company there? Why rub that in my face? Another thing that he did pissed me off severly. I have never been this mean and bitched someone out like this before. But to be honest, he deserved it. We were talking one night and he says to me "You broke my number 1 rule." and I said "And what's that?" He then preceded to tell me that his rule was that he would never mess around with or hang out with any girls who had any history with black or mexican guys. Which, just so happens that I've never dated a white guy. I asked him if that sort of thing really bothered him that much and he said yes. I mean, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but what happened next pissed me off. We were all (me, Evan, some other people) sitting outside on the porch, just hanging out. He brought up the race thing again. He pretty much told me that I was dumb for dating those "niggers" and "spiks". I got offended of course. Then he said to me "If you just agree with me that it was a dumb decision and promise to never do it again, we'll be ok." That's when I got extremely mad. I said, "I'm never ever going to agree with you. I'm not saying that I should have dated the guys that I have dated, but that has nothing to do with their skin color." I was pissed because not only do I have a huge issue with those discriminatory names but by saying what he said he disrespected me, and that "spik" happened to be the love of my life. The next night I didn't expect to see him so I ignored his text messages. Just so happens that I saw him that night. I got a little bit drunk and just let him have it. I bitched him out for rubbing that other girl in my face, because it was rude. Then someone texted me and he goes "Who's that, your 'fucking nigger' boyfriend?" Then I went off. This is what I said: "You know what? No, it's not my 'nigger' boyfriend you ignorant stupid asshole." He said: "Oh, I'm ignorant? No I'm actually very intelligent, I'm a white, republican male." I said: "EXACTLY! YOU'RE IGNORANT AND STUPID" He then comes up to me and has the audacity to say "You're right baby, I'm ignorant and stupid" then tries to kiss me! I pushed him away, told him not to kiss me, and told him to go fuck himself, and went back inside. I don't tolerate that bullshit. I don't care if that's his opinion, that's disrespect to me, calling me and the people I've cared about stupid. I hope he has fun over in Afghanistan. It's horrible to say but I hope that changes him for the better.

Blabbering

Yesterday was extremely uneventful. About the only fun thing that happened was that me and Jami had a "roommate night" and watched a movie called "He's Just Not That Into You". It showed the things that women do, crazy bitch things, and it shows those typical guys that never call. Some of the stuff that the girl did, that made her look obsessive and crazy, made me realize that I do some of those things. Not to the extent that the crazy girl did them, but I have done some of them. Like check my phone a little too often when I'm waiting for a text and getting frustrated when there isn't one. Then going over and over the reasons in my head as to why I don't have that text. You know what? Maybe if he wanted to talk to me, he would text me. That is now my philosophy. If Jose wants to talk to me, if he REALLY does miss me, if he REALLY does still like me, if he REALLY would get back together with me, then he'll text me, or make a little bit of an effort.

After the movie, I got this sudden urge to go through me and Jose's old pictures and listen to "our song". It wasn't really "our song", but it was his ringtone and it reminded me of him always. I never look at those or listen to that but for some reason I just wanted to. BIG MISTAKE. Of course I got upset and realized how much I miss him. Scratch that, I didn't just now realize it, I've known that I miss him, but this, this looking at the old things, made it that much more unbearable. The tears just flowed, I mean poured out of my eyes. Then I wanted to call him. I was upset and I wanted to call him and not be hysterical crying on the phone but just tell him, "you know what? I miss you, a whole hell of a lot." And tell him about looking back at the pictures and tell him about how I wish I hadn't thrown out his hoodie, and the shirts he gave me, and all the pictures. But a few minutes later, after I calmed myself down a bit, I realized, I don't have to tell him right this second. If he really does want to hang out (like he's said he wants to) then there will be plenty of chances for me to tell him these things if I feel the need to later. I don't need to call him like a psycho at 1:30 in the morning and be hysterical. Cut the drama. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow. I'm going to see if he texts me about it. He's asleep by now obviously b/c it's almost 2AM. But when he wakes up, he'll see a text from me, which means that I'll be fresh on his mind, which means that if he really wants to see me, he'll do something about it.

God, I hope he does something about it. I miss him so, so much.

Summer, Some Good Some Bad

This past week or so has been a little difficult for me, but also, a lot of fun. This past weekend, me and some of my family went to the beach for 3 days. I love the beach in general but it was really great to be able to spend that much needed time with my family. They get on my nerves sometimes, but I don't know what I would do without them. They are always there when I need them. If I feel lonely, I just go to see them and I feel so much better. I have been pushing myself away from them for so long that I forgot how much that I really do miss them. On Monday, unfortunately, we had to leave the beach. It sucked that we had to leave but I'm sure we'll go back again.

It has been kind of difficult just because I've been really depressed lately. I don't know exactly why. And I don't think I can totally blame it on the break up. I've just felt extremely lonely. I'm at the apartment by myself half the time and I don't think that's a good thing. I need to find more stuff to occupy myself.

When I got back from the beach, I called Marshall and immediately started crying. I told him that I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I'm not ready to be with him, and not ready to give my heart away. I'm sorry for the fact that I thought I was and lead him on in that way. I'm sorry that I'm not over Jose yet. Marshall isn't mad though, he is very understanding about the whole thing, but I know how sad he really is. He tries to pretend like he isn't and just says that he's here for me. But I know that he wants to be here for me, but it is so hard for him to do that because he's so sad. I like the fact that I can talk to him, but at the same time, I don't like to talk about me and Jose and what's going on with us. Not with Marshall. I know that it makes him sad. But he asks me about it and so I tell him, not ALL THE DETAILS, but the basic stuff. He'll say things like "You're gonna find a great guy one day" but he says it in a way that makes me think that he wishes he was that great guy for me. He says it so sad. And even though he says that he understands and he wants to be there for me and he doesn't openly make me feel bad about it; I feel bad about it, just because I can tell how sad he really is.

But the story with me and Jose is: I still love him, I still care about him. I know for a fact that he still cares about me and would go back out with me. I thought that I would go back out with him too. Now I'm cautious of that. I am not sure that it would work. Not only is there a big chance that he would hurt me again like he did, there are just certain things that happened in our relationship, that he did, that he's not going to change (I know they won't change b/c that's how he is), that are going to keep the relationship from working. Let me give you some examples. When we dated, we would talk at night and arrange to hang out the next day. So, obviously, I didn't make other plans because I thought I would be hanging out with him. The next day comes and he doesn't answer my phone calls, or when he does he says I'll call you later, and doesn't give me a time that we're going to hang out. So basically, I'm sitting on my ass all day, passing up hanging out with friends, waiting for him. I would get angry about that and tell him that. But I know that's not going to change, b/c it didn't change when we were dating and I told him I didn't like it. Another thing that he did was whenever we did hang out, he had his phone attached at his hip, any text message he got, he would reply right away. When he wasn't around, and I would text him, he wouldn't reply, for the longest time. I got angry about that because, when you're with me or anywhere else, no matter who texts you you reply right away, but then you take fucking forever to text me, it made me mad. One other thing that would make it so it wouldn't work is the fact that he doesn't talk about things. I KNOW that lots of guys don't talk about things. I'm saying that, if he got mad at me, if we got into an argument, I could tell that he had something to say, but he did not say it because he thought that if he just stopped talking about it, problems would just go away. That's not how things work, if he is upset with me, he needs to tell me and he won't do that, that's just not how he is. I mean, I guess I am kind of jumping to conclusions saying that these things won't change. If I mentioned them to him, maybe they would. But I doubt it. He would probably just nod his head, agree with me, and think, "She'll forget about it later".

So this leaves me with a dilemma. If I do want to be with him and want to see if he's going to change those things, I need to bring it up to him. He can't read my mind, if I want us to be back together, something needs to be said. I have one way of doing that: He still has a girlfriend, the girl that he started going out with after me. Even though he still has that girlfriend, every time me and him hang out, we make out/mess around/flirt things of that nature. I like the physical stuff, and if I don't want to get back together with him, I think I will just continue with the physical stuff. Here is my plan for if I decide that it's worth it, if I want to get back together with him. The next time that he tries to kiss me or do anything, I would basically tell him no, because you have a girlfriend it's not right and also tell him that I still have feelings for him. Kind of portray the fact that if he wants me, he wants all of me, he wants to be with me. Because that way, it will show him that I do want to be with him again AND it will show me if he's willing to do something about it, if HE'S serious. As of right now, he could be thinking, well I can do the physical stuff with her and still have my girlfriend too. But there's also the fact that if I say "No you have a girlfriend", he'll just keep going out with his girlfriend and stop messing around with me. Now I just have to decide what I want.

Do I JUST want the physical stuff and want to continue whats happening as of now?

Do I really want to get back with him?

Do I take a risk, the risk of giving up all the physicalness, to tell him I want to be with him?

(Wow, I sound like a slut b/c I like the physical stuff. I'm not a slut, people. Girls are allowed to be just as horny as guys are.)

This is probably going to be the most emo blog ever.

So this is about to be really emo and dramatic but it's how I feel right now. I feel really alone. Like not physically, but emotionally. And even though I have people that I can talk to, I feel like I'm really alone with my thoughts and feelings if that makes any sense. I think I need some help, like need to go to a therapist just to have someone to talk to. I mean I have friends and things but I need help from someone who can help me figure out how and why I'm feeling this way. Ok done with the emo shit.

Yesterday, I went to hang out with Nathan and Juan* (who am I kidding, does it really make a difference if I disguise the names? I'm just gonna use real names from now on) ok, Nathan and Jose. (Juan*=Jose in all previous blogs). The house that we always hang out at is Laurens house. Me and Lauren aren't really friends anymore but we were cool a few months back. Now recently she's been a total bitch, slamming doors, stomping her feet. But I have no idea why she's mad at me. Yesterday she straight up kicked me out of her house. Like I don't want you here anymore. I asked why she was mad and she just said you wouldn't understand. Here's what I say to that BULLSHIT! This is stupid high school drama. She's fucking bipolar or something. She can go fuck herself b/c Nathan, Jose, AND David(her boyfriend) are still gonna come hang out with me this summer and leave her by herself.

Anyways, before that shit happened, me and Nathan picked up Jose and we hung out, Nathan ran to his car and in the car me and Jose kissed. I was especially mad that Lauren did that shit b/c then I couldn't hang out with Jose anymore. He came back over before he went home though because he had left his book bag in my car. He gave me a hug and a kiss before he left and held onto my hand as he walked away. He told me he wanted to hang out with me tomorrow(which is today) so we'll see how it goes.

Also yesterday, in the morning, Marshall (Brendan*=Marshall in all previous blogs) came over. I had told him that I think that I need a little break from whatever is going on with us because I'm not over Jose and I'm not ready to be emotionally involved with him in any way. I don't have the exact same feelings about Marshall as I used to. I still care about him, and I love the fact that he's always been there for me and always will. I just told him that I can't do this right now. And I'm really sad that he's sad. I know he really loves me and can't stand the fact that I'm still in love with someone else. He wants me to be happy, and I know that but I hate the fact that I can't love him back yet, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to. I am so grateful though to have him as my friend and know how understanding and awesome he is.

Stuff Sucks Sometimes

-->Recently I don't know how I've been feeling about Brendan*, I think my feelings for him have changed. I can't handle things like that with him right now. I told him that, I told him that I'm not emotionally ok and that it's not fair to him for me to pretend like I am ok. I just don't think I want to be with him. I don't feel for him in that way, I care about him yes, but not in that way anymore, I can't explain why but I don't think that I do. I told him that I thought that I was fine, and that this is what I wanted but I realized that it isn't. I told him that I'm not over Juan* which I'm not and Juan* isn't over me either. Brendan* told me he just wants me to be happy but I know that he feels like the rebound. I hate that he feels that way because that's not what I meant by it. I don't want him to be sad.

-->Also, stuff has been going on with Juan* lately. I've realized that what he did, was his way of trying to cause me as little pain as possible, it didn't work, but he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me. It was only making this worse on me being angry at him. I woke up one morning and realized that I forgive him. And I told him that, I told him that I know he wasn't trying to hurt me and that I'm not mad anymore, and that I don't know if he still cares about me but I know that he did at the time. He told me that he still cares that he just needed time for things because we were always fighting and mad at each other. Then one of our mutual friends Nathan asked me randomly if I would ever think about getting back together with Juan*. I thought I would never even consider it, but now I'm thinking I would. Nathan said that he asked Juan* the same thing and Juan* said he would go back out with me too. I mean, it's probably not the best idea b/c I could get hurt just as much, but it could also work out good. I know that I would regret it if I never took another chance on it. And he makes me happy so I feel like it's worth it to give it a try if he asks me. The only thing is that I'm going to get a lot of shit from other people about it, about how they think I'm being stupid and how he's just going to hurt me again. I don't want to hear any of it. I just want them to hug me if stuff goes bad again. I don't know why I'm even worrying about it yet, the situation hasn't even come up. I worry about everything. I miss being happy just because I knew that he was mine. I miss the way he would pick on me and tickle me even though I told him to stop. I miss the way he would push his hair back out of his face. I miss how he laughed. I miss how he would just look at me and I could tell how much he loved me. I miss being happy, I'm so sick of not being happy.

Back at Square Number One

--> I've been really out of touch lately, not only am I not keeping up with my blog but I'm not even keeping touch with my close friends. I had started to get over Juan* and the whole break-up, or so I thought. Turns out I'm so not over it. I'm not ok. I pushed the feelings away and didn't deal with them how I should have. I pretended that I was ok to everyone around me so that I could make myself believe that I WAS ok. A few days ago though I totally broke down again. I keep holding onto this notion that me and Juan* will go back to how we were before, that everything will go back to how it was last summer. But you and I both know that that will never happen. I feel so pathetic for still being upset, although I know that it will take time. It makes me feel better to know that he misses me too. I just wish we could have a truthful conversation about everything so I could tell him how I really feel, but that will never happen.

-->I was thinking about why I feel so sad and I realized something. I forgive him. I'm not angry at him anymore. I think that's why I've been so sad lately. When I was sad before, I was angry at him for doing what he did. Angry-sad. Now it's a whole different kind of sad. I realize why he did what he did, not saying that it was right in anyway. I honestly don't believe that he was trying to hurt me, yeah he was stupid to keep lying after I caught him the first time, but I think he was trying to make it easier on me in some way, even though it didn't work. Now it's more of me remembering all the good times and wanting those back and knowing I never will get them back. I feel like I'm back at square number one in getting over him.

-->I've gotten to the point where I can spend time with Brendan* without letting my thoughts of Juan* get in the way. I think about him, but it's not like how it used to be, it doesn't get in the way of me having a good time with Brendan*. Except for last night. I haven't talked to Juan* in a while, and when does he decide to text me to say what's up? When I'm with Brendan*. He texts me at the most inconvenient times, when he texts me it makes me think about it more and gets in the way of me enjoying my time with Brendan*.

-->Other than boys, I've started a job as a waitress. It's a little stressful because there's a lot to remember and a very rushed environment. I'm worried that I'm going to get very overwhelmed. I'm hoping that everyone there is understanding and patient with me considering they know I've never done it before.

-->I feel like I'm growing up too fast. Haha! I know that that sounds very weird and lame but I do. Even though I moved out of my house last fall for college, I feel like I'm REALLY out on my own this summer. I have a job, my own car, and my own place, well I live with someone but on my own. I'm mostly by myself all the time. Jackie* who I live with has two jobs and is almost never here. I get lonely sometimes.

Freakin' Me Out

-->I've never been the girl to be afraid of relationships. I craved them, I was always the one who was like excited to have a boyfriend, couldn't wait to be completely head over heels over someone and them feel the same.....now, it totally freaks me out and I can't even pinpoint why.

-->Everything with Brendan* is ok, I've told him I'm not ready for a relationship, and he says he isn't either, which is good and made me feel so much better about it. For some reason, taking on a commitment to someone scares me right now. It's not even like, I wanna see other people and I don't want to be tied down, I actually get really freaked out by it and don't want to be in one. I think it's just because it's new and kind of unknown for me. And then Brendan* is going way too fast for me. I know that sounds weird because we're not in a relationship, how could it be going fast? It just is, emotionally. He will make little hints like, I'm gonna marry you someday. And yesterday he said, you're going to be my wife one day, we're gonna have kids and grow old together. And I asked him how he was so sure, and he said he just knows. The whole talking about marriage thing is totally freaking me out. I know that he's not talking about getting married anytime soon but he's still talking about it. How can you say that you're one day going to commit your life, be a persons partner for life, and say that you're not ready for a relationship. I'm not ready for a relationship, and I don't even want to talk about marriage. I mean I can see it happening, I can see me and Brendan* being together, but I'm not ready to see it. I cannot make that kind of decision, commitment yet.

-->I had to take a Zoloft to calm down because thinking about this whole marriage thing that he's talking about just freaks me the fuck out. It makes my heart beat really fast, it makes me feel nervous. I don't like it. And he also wants me to go to the beach with his entire family this summer, and meet them and kind of become part of the family. I can't deal with all that....and whats really bothering me is, I don't know how to even begin to tell him that all this scares me and he needs to slow down.

Another realization......

I don't know how I'm feeling, I worry too much/think too much about things I cannot necessarily control. I bring all this on myself......

Today Sucks

-->First of all, let me just say that I hate thinking...not thinking in general but thinking about things that have bothered me in the first place. Why do I have to think about it and make myself more upset? Why?

-->Let me fill you in on what I'm talking about, unless you've already guessed. Brendan* is my problem. He's not being an asshole, it's just the whole idea of Brendan*/a relationship with him. I thought it was what I wanted but that I just wasn't ready for an actual relationship. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I want him. This all dawned on me earlier. When we were taking Jackie's* dog out for a walk. When I'm with him the only thought running through my head is "I'm so not ready for this yet." But today, a thought popped into my head that made this whole thinking thing get on a roll. This is what just popped into my head: "I don't want him. He's not good enough." I was like WOAH after that. After that thought all these other thoughts just kept coming to me. I realized that I'm so not over Juan*, as much as I tell myself that I should be glad he's gone and that I hate him, I still love him, I still want him in my life, and I miss him like crazy. Even though I shouldn't. It also made me realize that Brendan* isn't good enough, and as much as I cared about him, Juan* coming into my life completely changed all that. But then I thought do I really not want Brendan*, or will I want to be with him when I'm totally over Juan*. But about that, I feel like I would know if I really wanted to be with Brendan*. (I know I'm rambling, it just helps me to get all my thoughts out.) And the thing about all these things that I'm feeling is, I can talk to my friends about it, but no one can help me fully figure it out except for me.

-->Idk if it's just because of all the thinking I've been doing today but I really want to call Juan* and just completely break down and tell him that I miss him and that I'm not ok, but I don't want to seem pathetic. I just want to hear that he misses me too, but I don't want to get shot down if he says he doesn't miss me. I want him back, and I know that it's a horrible idea but I can't help it. I can't seem to forget the way he made me feel and how perfect things were. It's so STUPID for me to be so upset...I mean he's in high school, I'm in college, I don't need him! But that doesn't change the fact that I miss him oh so much.

-->And then, I saw all my grades, and they are not so good. I got a D+ in one and a D in another, all the rest are fine. And I wouldn't be bothered by the D's it's just that idk if I have to take them over again. D's usually mean passing but in college depending on the class you might have to take them over. I will totally cry if I have to take them over considering those were the two I hated most. Today sucks but maybe tomorrow will be better.

CINCO DE MAYO

--> It's been a pretty good past couple of days. Summer is starting off great. I don't have much to worry about. I mean I need to get a job, but no worries. It's a new feeling for me to not be as worried. It's like I don't really know what to do with myself.

--> As far as the boy issues go, I'm not too terribly worried about those either. With Juan* I'm not talking to him more than I need to. I don't go out of my way to text him, but if he texts me I will respond, I'm just not overly open with him about what's going on with my life and how I feel. He's never really offered that to me, so I don't think he deserves to know how I really am, or how I'm really doing. I know he regrets his decision, and that sucks for him, I can't go back and change anything as much a would like to, and neither can he.

--> With Brendan*, I've known him long enough to know that he changes his mind often, any kind of relationship with him is somewhat of a roller coaster. I'm expecting the best, but I'm also prepared for the worst. It's not like I haven't dealt with it before. I don't know why but I can never let him go. This is going to sound stupid but no matter how often he gets scared of a relationship I know that he still cares about me. I might sound naive in saying that but you don't know him like I do, no one does.

--> Just because I'm kind of seeing how things are going to happen with Brendan* doesn't mean that I've cut myself off. Marcus* spent the night with me the other night. I'm not even setting my sights on Marcus*, he's totally not the kind of person I can't see myself being in an actual relationship with. He's just there for my benefit in some areas. Heehee.

--> I've also realized from all these boy issues that I'm a very independent person. I don't need anyone. I've had plenty of success, with no help from any of them. I finished my first year of college, none of them helped me. I moved into an apartment, by myself (with a roommate but you know what I mean). I bought my OWN car. I didn't have help from anyone, and I can continue without anyone. Well I mean, I always have my family and friends, and in that sense, I'm very dependent. I don't know what I would do without them. They offer so much support to me when I need it the most.

--> Today, I went to lunch with my ex-roomate, Sarah* from the dorm. She's also one of my best friends but from living with her has totally made me, not hate her, but get annoyed with her so much faster. Like today, we went to Bojangle's. Neither of us specified which Bojangle's we would go to so we ended up at different ones. At first it was funny, but I called her because she wasn't there and she called me stupid for not going to the one she was at. Ok bitch, just because I went to a different one than you doesn't mean I'm stupid. Maybe you're stupid for going to the other one that we NEVER go to. I fucking hate how she sits there and laughs and makes me feel stupid for stuff, when really, neither one of us specified which one we were going to go to. I know I'm rambling and it's really not important it's just another thing about her that annoys me. I kind of wish she didn't know where I lived. I don't want her here, EVER. And if we see something funny, we'll both laugh, but she'll go on and on and on laughing, I get annoyed b/c it's like, it's really not that funny. Maybe if we were high it would be that funny, but we're not so stop laughing. I guess after reading all of what I just wrote she doesn't sound like a best friend. But I mean if I get upset or sad about something I can definitely talk to her, she just annoys me sometimes. Like my family, sometimes I HATE them, but I always love them. Oh well, maybe after being I away from her for a little more time it will be better.

Summer Begins!

--> The past few days I've moved out of the dorm and into the apartment. I love the apartment. I love being away from home, I love being able to do whatever I want. I mean at the dorm I could do whatever I wanted but my roommate was always there, there's no one here to bug me. I mean my roommate now, Jacki*, is out of town so it might be different when she comes back. I still love it though.

--> Last night, I went out with some friends to celebrate getting exams over with and whatnot. We pregamed in their room and then got a limo taxi to go out. While there I texted my "friend" Marcus* and told him he should come with us. (Marcus* and me had a little thing thing a while back, never dated, never thought about it but you know what I mean. We still keep contact.) After he got there he came and gave me a hug, then left to go get a drink. He was gone for a while til I went to find him. When I went up to him he told me that his ex girlfriend was here and that he didn't want to start any drama, hinting to me that I needed to leave. I was kinda pissed off. When we left, I figured I would try to go say bye, he brought up the ex girlfriend thing again, and I told him I just wanted to say bye and asked if he could walk me to the door. He started to walk with me then disappeared and I saw him again before we actually left. What an asshole, like really, you're going to come to the club because I invited you and then not hang out with me even a little bit? Idc how much of a hissy fit you're ex is having.

--> I had talked to Brendan* before I went out. He still always brings up the whole incident about him sleeping with that girl. I'm not sure why, because I haven't said anymore about it, I'm not even being a bitch about it, but he keeps bringing it up like soooo.....It's so annoying. Like we're not together, won't be for a while if ever so you do what you do, and I'll do what I do. He got kind of annoyed that I was going out. As soon as I mentioned it he got an attitude and got off the phone. I'm sorry but you are not going to control my life. Tonight he brought up the whole sleeping with her thing AGAIN, saying that he might sleep with someone else, is that ok. What he said was "I think we need a break." I was like a break from what? we're not dating." I don't really care to be honest because I've had it with him for right now. I told him, "that's fine, fuck who you want I'll fuck who I want". Not to say that I am going to go around and fuck a bunch of random dudes cuz I'm not, I just knew that he'd have some sort of reaction to that. He of course said he doesn't want me to sleep with anyone else, and me, trying to make a point that that is not fair to me told him he can't control me like that because we're not in a relationship. He is just becoming to much drama for me. When there is an issue, I talk to him about how I feel and it's over with. He keeps bringing it up, why is he still having issues? I have determined that I need a break from him for a few days, he doesn't say I miss you anymore, so I'm going to see if he really does miss me.

--> Oh, and I haven't heard from Juan* in the past few days. Whatever, fuck him. I don't need to be talking to be talking to him anyways. I wish that whole Juan* phase never happened. In a way it did make me stronger, yes it was a mistake but it made me see that I need to do some things differently from now on, like find a BETTER guy. I'm also way more honest with people, I am not afraid to tell them how I feel, b/c I know that finding out you were lied to sucks ass. But it's also changed me a lot. I am way more closed off about my feelings now. If something that really upsets me happens, I used to vent about it to someone, now, I will very rarely ever share it. Except to this anyways. I just don't like talking I guess.

--> Luckily, I got to get away from my guy problems today and spent the day at the mall with the girls. Lauren* and Taylor*, I haven't gotten to see them in forever. We spent FOREVER in the mall but it didn't even matter. We laughed at anything and everything and I'm pretty sure saw every inch of that mall.

My Day::Drama and all

--> Today, a pretty easy day as far as school goes. I went to my morning exam didn't have another one until 6, went home, got the car, came back went to my other exam. Sounds pretty boring right? WRONG!
--> Brendan* and I have an interesting relationship. We are not IN a relationship, but we kinda are, just without the title. So, last week he told me that he made out with this girl. And I was like, not very mad b/c technically I can't be mad b/c we're not in a relationship. Then I found out later that he spent the night at this girls dorm, and that upset me a little because yes you made out with her and stopped before you did anything else, but you totally could have walked home after that, you didn't have to spend the night, even if it was on an air mattress on the floor. So, he told me that he was sorry and he loves me more than anything. And I told him to promise he wouldn't do it again. He promised. Promises are a big deal for me.
--> So this morning he calls me and tells me he has to talk to me. I'm thinking OH GOD, what the hell is it now? I was like, just fucking tell me. He told me that he slept with someone else. Once again, we are not officially in a relationship, AND, I did the same thing the other day. BUT, I'm not so angry about the act of him having sex with someone else, I'm upset that he broke a promise to me. I told him that because of this he's going to have to earn my trust back b/c I can't believe the promises he's going to make to me. I know it might be hypocritical but I can't help it. I didn't admit to him what I did with Juan*. Say I'm a horrible person, but I don't want to tell him. Brendan* told me that he doesn't want to lose me and he's going to get his shit together and that he wants me to know that if we did make this official he would never cheat on me. And that he knows it's no excuse but it's just hard being away at school and not being with me. I'm just skeptical about what he says. I don't want to get sucked into the bullshit.
--> Then, after my 6 pm. exam, I came home because I'm taking my friend to the hospital tomorrow, she is having surgery. Juan* texted me and asked me to hang out. So I did, and it was totally different than the other night, ya know when the scandalous things happened lol. It's always different every time I see or hang out with him. We either talk like normal people, hardly look at each other, or hook up. God, I've got to stop hanging out with him if I ever want this to go away. It's just so hard, I just remember how things used to be and I miss that. And our friend told me today that Juan* talks about how much he misses me sometimes. But really, I can't do anything about that, it's his own fault that he misses me.
--> Well that is my day, get back to you tomorrow, I'm sure there will be more drama to talk about.

Life of me recently

--> So, some things that have been going on with me recently. Hmmm, let's see. I am about to move out of the dorm THANK GOD! I don't think I can live with my roommate any more. (I really hope she never finds this btw haha). I mean, she's my best friend, and she really is an awesome friend BUT there are just certain pet peeves that I have that she seems to trigger, I just cannot live with her. So, just annoying stuff with her. Now on to the more important things.
--> So me and Brendan* are not officially in a relationship, BUT it is getting a tad serious like one. He told me/promised me that he'll never hurt me and he loves me more than anything he's ever loved. I think the promise that you'll never hurt someone is an impossible promise. You can't promise something like that to someone. Anyways, he's been so good to me. He's affectionate, sweet, caring. He really is my best friend and knows everything about me and understands everything that I have to say. He knows about the whole Juan* situation so I can tell him how I feel about it and he understands which is really nice b/c I don't always have to hide things from him. Although this is all fine and dandy, there are a few things that are bothering me.
1) I know I'm not ready for a relationship, I'm not in one and I don't know if I want to be just yet
2) He has a drug issue, it's not an everyday thing...but it's a big thing. He pops pills every once in a while, and it severely bothers me. And it's not like I haven't told him that, I have. It just does not seem to have much effect on him. Or he cannot stop. I don't know how to make him stop. I'm not trying to be a bitch to him and be annoying about it but it's a big deal to me, it's a big problem period. And I don't know if I'm trying to get involved into something like that.
3) Something happened this past weekend when I went to see him that kind of freaked me out. I feel like it's a big deal just b/c it seems to be bothering me so much. We went to the beach with one of his friends. There were some people in front of us walking on the sidewalk going really slow and said something really rude to us. Brendan* completely freaked out, and got extremely mad. I can understand being upset, like hey, don't do that dude but he got really pissed like, come back here fight like a man, fuck you, I'll break your fucking face. It really freaked me out a lot. I have never seen him get angry in that way before and I don't like it. What if he hurts me one day because of his anger? He's never shown any signs of wanting or trying to hurt me before, but who knows? And I feel like if it was something I shouldn't be worried about, I wouldn't be worrying about it.
-->Another thing, before I went to see Brendan*, a few days before, Juan* texted me to say what's up how I was doing things like that. Pretty uneventful conversation. Then the next day, I went to go pick up my nephew from the sitters house, which happens to be the house that me and Juan* and our whole group of friends is always at. He was there and I saw him. It triggered something, not necessarily that it's extremely awkward being around him, not the fact that I want to be with him again, not even that I still have feelings. Just the realization that I don't want to be hurt again. So I couldn't really enjoy myself with Brendan* this past weekend because I'm subconciously pushing him away so I don't get hurt.
Once I got back, I decided to go hang out with our old group of friends again Juan* and the others. We hung out, drank some beers, just chilled. Then, one of our friends had to take his friend home. Juan* decided to stay with me so we went to my house, he wanted to see my brother and stuff, and he talked about how much he missed it over there and stuff b/c when we dated he met my whole family, and we were all really close. When he said that me and my brother were both like "well yeah, whose fault is that?" Later, we left my house and went back to the house we were hanging out at and waited for the others. That's when stuff started. He was semi drunk/tipsy and I was a little bit tipsy myself. He put his arm around me and then we started kissing. THEN, here is my mistake. I hooked up with him again. I mean, I couldn't help it, what can I say? I miss the physical stuff sometimes. Oh well, you can only learn from mistakes. Although, I don't regret it all that much, it was kinda impulsive and idk, exciting in a way. I mean, yeah, he was a jerk to me, but also just b/c we hooked up doesn't mean that I'm looking for anything else or expecting anything from it. To be honest, I was just kinda using him in that way. So no judgments please! Don't think any less of me, I'm not a bad person.
-->Well, I've got exams tomorrow and need to get prepared for those so my plan is to post another blog soon.

Hope you're interested enough to read all of this.

-->So, I'm in college right now and writing in a journal/blogging is something I do a lot. It's a way for me to get out my feelings, kinda talk stuff out with myself if that makes sense. Make all the mumbo jumbo in my head make a little bit of sense by writing it all out. It's also a way for me to remember the significant or even little things that happen in my life. I never want to forget things...except the bad things.
-->There have been a few bad things that have happened in my life. Bad stuff sucks, but it's part of life, and all the bad experiences even though they hurt they make me who I am today and I should be grateful for that. My definition of bad experiences may not be the same as all of yours but just b/c you got your arm cut off doesn't mean my paper cut doesn't hurt. Everyone's experiences affect/effect?(I can never figure which one to use) them in different ways. So I was going to tell you a little bit about mine.
-->About 3 years ago, my parents started to have issues. It wasn't that they were necessarily fighting all the time, but you can tell when stuff isn't right. One day me and my mom and brother were flying out to see our cousins in St. Louis, my dad in the mean time was planning on going to play with his blue grass band thing, I was not a fan. Turns out, we missed the flight so came back home for the night to leave in the morning. Who didn't show up? My dad, he was gone all night, didn't even know that we came back. My mom asked him what he did that night and pretended that she didn't know he was gone and he lied, said he was home the whole time. Turns out, he left b/c he was seeing someone else. Then he tried to lie and say he wasn't seeing some one else. It struck a nerve with me. If my dad would lie? Who's to say guys I meet in my life won't? That experience did make me stronger though. And that's when I got my first tattoo, the Kanji symbol for strength. I think it's important to stay strong...never let anything break you.
-->Another thing that was real tough for me was classic boy trouble. It has gotten way better but it's taken a while to get there, and it's kind of coming back into play now...I'll get to that later. Brendan* (not his real name), has been one of my best friends since 9th grade, also one of my biggest crushes since 9th grade. We just stayed friends for a while but once the feelings came out he talked about how he wanted to be with me and how he liked me. Me, being a stupid naive high school girl believed all the bullshit and was torn apart when I found out it was all lies.
-->Then, the most recent bad incident. My exboyfriend. Juan* (not real name either), was the perfect guy, cute, sweet. Everything was so perfect, and I fell hard, real crazy hard. We were together for 7 months, and it was a little bit rocky at points but nothing i wasn't willing to give my everything for. He is still in high school, so I came home every weekend from college to see him. Then came the day when he said he wanted a "break", it seemed like he was giving up. I was hurt b/c I would have done anything for him. I found out later that he never wanted a break, he just wanted to break up. He told me all these different reasons, all these stories of why, how he didn't want to hurt me, and how he loved me. Everytime he told me something, I heard something else from one of our friends, every time I confronted him, he made the story different. I didn't believe him. On top of that there was a new girl that he was hanging out with and when he told ME that he wasn't going out with her, it wasn't until after we hooked up again, that I found out that he was lying about that too. I tried to tell the new girlfriend that he was a douche bag, but that of course didn't work, she didn't believe me.
-->So now, me and Brendan* are talking again. While I was in a relationship with Juan*, Brendan* told me he was in love with me. I realized after the whole Juan* thing that I still had feelings for Brendan*. So we are kind of going on that for right now. It's just difficult because even though he is acting different now, I cannot stop thinking about how he hurt me before, and I cannot get over how Juan* hurt me yet. But that's understandable right? We didn't even fully break up less than two months ago. I'm just scared to put myself out there to get hurt again, but I also don't want to miss out something amazing. And now Juan* and me have started talking again, just casual. Idk.
-->Sorry this is such a long post, I hope that those interested will take the time to read it. This is the life of me, drama and all.